Waking Life was a movie that reminded me of the endless dream of life... in sleep and in wakefulness. I was hungry and searching for my purpose, which , has always been in me, coursing through my veins like love, just waiting to be set free--!
And so I have explored many avenues of dreams. And all of them have led me to the same place: freedom from suffering. We are so lucky in our developed nation(s) to live lives of comfort and security that most people can't choose. I have come to realize my choice, and hold it in the palm of my hand like an emerald that fell out of the sky for me. What do I do with it? Where do I take it? What can I make with it? Who can I share it with? What environment can best suit this jewel that has been bestowed upon me?
Hence, in this time of realization of my purpose and commitment to the jewel of my own heart that I have been put on this earth to share-- it is time for me to leave Korea. My lungs have never been so sick, nor has my body been so against an environment and lifestyle. I have fought severe colds every other week and the food has inflamed my Celiac's disease one too many times. But it's more than that-- my heart calls me forth to a new land. My journey in Asia is not yet complete. Thailand is beckoning me forth, to learn, work and play in the sun and the sand.
My new motto for 2009 is: I will do things to take care of myself.
But with any change (and there's been a lot of that on my path)-- there is conflict and internal and external struggle. Everytime I leave a place, I feel a pull from friends and loved ones to stay. The swarm of grief is always difficult to bear and triggers a guilt chord within. I feel blessed to meet so many beautiful people everywhere I go. And some of them, I know, will remain friends for life!
I have been feeling an internal struggle all of my life and my deepest desire has been for this struggle to end... to feel a sense of lightness... maybe what spiritual folk call, enlightenment-- which to me simply means a release from your own bonds and burdens: a letting go and letting God.
I can see the path of my heart more clearly now. These past 6 months have been challenging in new ways-- and have opened up deeper caverns within myself.
And I may be a bohemian type personality-- that others view "is unable to commit to anything". But in truth, I have always been committed. And do cherish and value committment. Just seems to mean a lot of change in my life.
I am hoping for a time of rooting and settling in Oregon, but that time has not yet sprung. I am still an egg not ready to hatch fully. And I am okay with that.
Okay, so it may seem like I'm trying to convince myself here, but that is my 2008-09 journey: uncovering, exploring, deep-sea diving in the caverns and caves that I've not yet had the courage to enter.
I can't get over my passion for helping people one on one-- listening to their stories and hearing their miseries and passions. I can't get over my love for writing and expressing from the heart-- or incorporating dramatic expression of some sort in my life. And of course, there's my endless relationship with yoga-- which extends out to all of life.
I, Sarah am ready to go deeper-- to feel freer and let the supposed burdens on my chest GO!
And so they go!!!
Remember that book Harold and the Purple Crayon? Harold had his purple crayon and a blank page and just began, with a gentle smile on his face, to draw his day. And erase. And draw again. And erase. And draw again.
And so it goes.
May you all experience Bliss, Peace and Freedom in 2009!
Namaste,
sarah ;-)
My questions for you are:
1) Do you feel that struggle within?
2)How do you honor your heart's desires?
3)What do you want to draw for yourself in the near future?
Happy drawing! ;-)
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