Other eyes...

I wept in front of the emptiness like I've never wept before. I gave away all of my fears and mournings to the cold, dark silence like a season giving its endings to the womb of the earth, ready for a new life-- a new birth.

My stomach churned in new and unsettling ways before my recent solo journey to Thailand-- a journey my boyfriend inspired me to take, but secretly left me wanting that companionship over an endless weeklong solitude. However, they say that growth comes from tension and newness is born from strife. And so a new spring was sprung in the roots of my heart. And the Universe did not lie to me, but rather sang me a gentle melody...tucking me in at night with the sensuous sounds of times long gone that have woven me into the woman I am today-- and presenting me with visions of the women I am to become-- the delicate whispers of my heart's song forming a gentle and melodious heartbeat for me to dance to and create with on this earth.

I discovered my heart and soul's true paradise: Thailand. The island of Koh Phangnan in particular was the crown jewel of my rememberence of my purpose and presence on this earth, in this life. I left with a FULL heart-- so full it was overflowing and ready to give forth to water my own happiness and let my cup runneth over onto all that will receive it.

So, alas, I lie in a patient waiting space, where my stomach is hurting again, but for a different reason: fear. Ranier Marie Rilke said: "Our fears our like our dragons guarding our deepest treasures." And those treasures are our own hearts-- our own happiness.

I came back to Korea and felt I must resign immediately, that I would be taken care of if my heart was leading the way. I felt I must not give into the fear of staying here for the money and the salary bonus at the end of my contract. Either way, I will be going to Thailand. The only difference if I finish my contract is a longer stay in Asia and a later return to the US of A. My homesick heart wants to go back quicker... but logic prevents me from giving in. I gave my letter of resignation to my boss and found warm, open hearts accepting the decision that was for my highest good. However, this weekend I got some kind of bug or food poisoning and spent an evening throwing up with incredible stomach pain. Is this fear of this decision that doesn't seem so logical-- as the money I have will be just enough to survive on for 2 to 3 months in Thailand, plus a trip to another country and a ticket home? Do I want to come "home" with an empty bank account-- but a full heart (as I have many times before)? Do I want to live with my hands tied for my last 2 months in Korea, trying to save every penny for my trip?

Was this a leap of faith decision or an impulsive action?

I awoke Monday morning and told my supervisor of my doubts and was given support for either decision.

My end decision: I will try and stay the full year: receive the bonus; go to Thailand for a month of yoga and a month of bookwriting in the jungle, then sojourn back to the states--sticking to my original vision before I came here.

Either decision I make feels the same to me and is engulfed in the same amount of fear, hesitancy, and misgiving.

I've realized that life IS a series of choices, with there being no right or wrong-- only choices. My end goal and motivation is the same: my own happiness in the realms of my heart.

The beauty of this decision is that I'll be able to put down money on a house in Portland, my future rooting place of choice!

*sigh*

Still, it doesn't make it easy-- only different.

I am also impressed with the stability of my relationships here-- in ways that are new and exciting to me. Overall, Asia has opened up portholes into my being that have made me more aware, patient and willing to make well-thought out choices (a VERY new thing for Sarah Lamb! ;)

Overall, my relationship with Andrew has triggered this delving in on an even deeper level. He has been a catalyst of sorts, inspiring my journey to Thailand. And supporting the constant unfolding of my own happiness like no other partner ever has. What a beautiful thing is unconditional love!

Opening, blossoming, remembering wholeness. The flower bursts forth from the flood in the earth...melting into the effortless caress of the sunrays-- molten beauty, unearthed. A heart's purpose remembered and birthed!

It's great to be alive and share my heart with all of you. ;)

Namaste,
sarah <3

Questions to ponder:

If you could take a leap into your heart-- and do something different with your life, in any realm-- what would it be?

What do you want that your fear stops you from getting?

How can you open up to yourself even more?