On Loneliness...

*gulp*...
Loneliness...
is not my favorite word. In fact, it's a word that I've found intimidating, diminishing and shameful for most of my life. No one wants to admit to feeling it. Inner loneliness...feels like being alone in the Sahara, without food or water, when in reality, you're on a crowded subway surrounded by other human beings, with a full Nalgene and bag of trail mix in your backpack. The Beatles song "All the lonely people" alludes to this phenomenon of the heart. We can all admit to experiencing it. But do we allow ourselves to really feel it?

This is, in a sense, why I've sought out relationships--both casual social, and intimate: for those other hearts and souls that you can connect with on many levels. That, after all, is one reason why we are here on this planet as a human race: to connect with each other. That union of partners is one of life's greatest gifts (and challenges). In yoga, they say that marriage and family are the highest forms of yoga (or union) a human can partake in.

In this time of singledom, being a stranger in a strange land, I've been seeing clearly my own desire to connect with others. I have always been a woman who appreciates her alone time, but after my 1st long-term relationship, I began to develop a tremendous fondness for sharing time connecting intimately with one other. I love social events and group sharing, but my heart truly yearns for a lover, and partner to share time with--outside of my solo time. It's all a fine and delicate balance: sharing your life with friends, your lover, and yourself as a solo entity.

I am still a bit shy about exploring this feeling of loneliness so publicly, but I feel it's time. My exploration of this sense of loneliness started this past year when I was ill with a bad stomach bug and my then partner decided to leave me for 3 days to fend for myself in a cold, snowy mountain cabin--without any firewood readily available to keep the place warm. It was one of those worst case scenarios that I lived through! And the person that was my best friend, my lover, and my partner in every way in that small mountain community, was gone. I felt a loneliness that I've never allowed myself to feel fully. But I was not truly alone. I was grateful for the company of our cat during that time, as well as the bluebird that kept hovering in front of the window like a messenger telling me it was time to go. This was a strange occurrence, because it would look straight at me--but birds can only see from the side. This bird came around our house--coincidentally named, The Bluebird--for a few weeks prior to this event. My partner and I tried to give him birdseed, which he wouldn't eat. We checked for a hidden nest, of which there was none. And finally, we gave up. However, the day I got my plane ticket out of that place the bird left. It vanished without a trace. This story could go into the sacredness of the earth that I was reminded of on that mountain. A Native American church ceremony a month before this event also reminded me that we are but a small part in this thing called life. Every animal, including us human animals, plays but a small, yet important role on this planet. And during the time where that loneliness was triggered, I empathized with our cat, Winnie, who was often left alone most of the day to entertain herself. She was a cat who loved affection and lots of attention. I then knew how she felt when we left her all alone. And I felt so awful leaving her for good when I moved out a few days later.

For 6 months, I have been sitting with that loneliness and the aftereffects of that abandonment. And, just like my dear sister Rebecca's death from this world--one of the most painful events has been one of my greatest gifts. I feel more solid and centered in myself than ever, and I am living out my heart's deepest dreams (of which my former partner was not a supporter of--as travel was not his passion)--living in another country, writing, traveling and enjoying all the blessings of life!

And, a very shaky decision--to uproot myself and come to Korea to live and teach for at least a year--has proved to blossom into a lotus of infinite possibility!

Often in life, things don't work out exactly as we plan them to. Our heart's have desires, which become manifest, in a very perfect way--but the result isn't always the way we imagine it to be. Many New Age lingo talks of asking for the "highest possible outcome"--or "what's best for everyone". Ultimately, if the heart is the decision maker, this happens automatically. No need for fancy lingo, just a simple, heart-based desire.

And so, the question of the week is:

What are you most fearful of?
& What does your heart have to say on this matter?...

Enjoy the Beauty and Bliss that is everywhere!

Love,
sarah <3>

The Responses!

I was SO thrilled to receive such amazing responses to the 1st question. Here they are!

From now on, please "reply to post" with your response. You may also send me an email response if you don't want it published on the blog!

Next question and post to come SOON!

In Love,
sarah =)

The Responses:

OH my gosh. Have you read The Zahir by Paulo Coehlo??
:-)

I just listened to it on audio book (slightly abridged) yesterday and I highly recommend it. It is about opening the dialogue about love on all levels--the good the bad the ugly to deconstruct our personal histories of love to come into a new, free meaning of love. So we can embody love in ourselves. Your story just reminded me of it....really timely e-mail!
It's kind of about a witchy woman--but one who goes off in search of her own meaning of love and leaves a husband behind wondering.
I am going to join this convo. I am SO excited about it!
-Marla

Hey Sarah,

Firstly, your letters are so kick-ass. I cannot tell you how amazed I am by our synchronicity (sp?). I have already passed your email on to a gaggle of girlfriends who are currently reading it and getting all sorts of inspired. I understand where you're coming from - about the impulse to have romantic love fill all the kinds of love we reach for at times. I've often commented to friends (and really anyone who'll listen) that in our culture (american? western? contemporary?) We are really only socially endorsed to express intimacy with family and lovers - it makes it harder for single folks, or even partnered/familied people to be able to make that deeper connection with others in their lives - friends, coworkers, gurus whatev. And of course, every connection to loving another person is really a connection to loving ourselves and the all of everything.
I think that's one of the things I love about travel so much - by shifting my environs, comfort circle, resources and it all I have to shift my perspective, too. that kind of jostling opens my eyes up the the ever-present wonders of people and place that I lose sight of w/my daily blinders on. It makes me more receptive to the many opportunities for gratitude and bliss - and it reconnects me to the larger, global community.

Funny enough, I was talking to someone yesterday about love/vulnerability/risks etc. Characters from my past have been reemerging in my new transition time. They are lovely, unsettling, inviting, scary and all that to-do. The women I was speaking to pointed out a resistance I have to being vulnerable in relationships - that there are risks there that I am not willing to take yet. but I'm more than happy to be fully vulnerable in front of hundreds of people on stage and I'm just as content to hop a plane to a foreign country on my own and figure it out as a I go. But love....well, let's not get too crazy... ;)

Lastly, to respond to your question, "What makes your heart wander?" My current answer (which may change the next time I'm asked) is this, "I think my heart wanders when it forgets that it is always connected to Love. That Love is ever present, ever flowing, ever knocking down my door and holding my hand from every corner of the everywheres. But when I stop listening to that truth, and start listening to my own ego and it's nattering, then I forget the abundance that surrounds me and i begin to think that I must pursue love - that I am in want, in lacking - and so the foolishness begins. At the end of the day though, those "foolish" pursuits or adventures that lead me to "find" love - in relationships, travels, myself, the world, what-have-you, are just new lessons on how to reconnect with what was always there."

Thank you so much for your email, Sarah, you may use all of this letter or just the Q & A at the end, whatever you like. Have a great time in S. Korea!

Love,

Sara

Hello Sarah,
Sara Mayer sent this email to some of us this morning and I wanted to reply to you and say two things:

First of all, what a beautiful letter you wrote. Thank you for putting those words down and for inviting your friends to share them. What you said resonated very deeply with me - I too have been a wanderer in and out of love and places for many years, as I feel so many women/people of our generation have been or have felt like being. There is something, I feel, that has made our generation one of searchers, which is not just a product of our individual stories, but the story of who we are as a people and where the world is at this moment. Maybe that sounds obtuse, or super new-agey, but I have felt that for a long time and see it ring true with more people our age than I can number.

You voiced your experience beautifully, and I'm grateful for having heard it.

Second, I wanted to humbly suggest a venue for your idea of a women's forum. What if you started a blog with these ideas and questions that you want to pose? You could send a notice out with each blog post to link people to the site...the people on your list would forward the link on, and anyone who cared to respond could post their answers, feelings, responses, as comments to your post. Everyone in the chain of your initial email would get to see the responses of everyone else...possibly dozens, or a hundred women they've never met, but surely have common experiences with.

I'm not sure if you had such a wide or public vision for your project; but your idea truly inspired me, and I do believe that I am not the only woman who would tune in monthly or weekly to read such a journal. I have been thinking about starting my own blog recently, and have a lot of ideas for it; so forgive me if I'm passing on my own dream to you. I just felt compelled to put it out there: do with it what you feel right. The fact is, there are people out there making their living off of blogs - a large enough readership attracts advertisers - and this is certainly an idea beautiful enough to deserve supporting you financially.

In any case, I wish you the best on your journey and hope to hear more from you soon.

Sincerely,
Heather

here 's my thought:

Not being in love makes my heart wander. I've never been in love, but I thought I was in love with my ex boyfriends. I used to have night mares that I cheated on them with other, more attractive men. They were bad dreams because I felt so guilty for breaking the commitment I'd made to myself and to these men.

I realize now that my heart was trying to wander. It wasn't that I was just experiencing lust. IT was trying to reveal the truth that I had been covering up; that these men were not "the one" even though I wanted them to be my one so desperately.

I was boy crazy ever since I came out of the womb. But I always wanted "the one", my soul mate, even as a child. That desperation for finding true love has manifested into the tendency to force a square peg into a circle whole (is that the correct way to use that saying?).

When I do meet my life partner, I expect that my HEAD may wander from time to time, as the ego leads to lust and tricks our minds into thinking that there is something better around the corner, but the heart is always truthful.

-Sarah Itkin

Hi Sarah,
I have kept this email in my inbox until I decided it was the right time to pull it out and truly feel the message. Hope it is not too late to respond. Hope the reply finds you smiling and embracing the boundless journey of your heart. Looking forward to speaking with you again.
Much love & respect,
Rachael

What makes my heart wander....
That of something sweet. Not so much the physical act, but more of an ethereal sense that something wonderful is on the horizon. I guess this could be called the dawning of my heart's desire. The new look of what has already been and what will be. The sweet surprise of the glory and amazement that life unfolds at the divine moment of insight and awareness. I love the pleasure of seeing what has always been my desire pop-up to the surface with an element of shock or excitement like I have never known it before. This part of the journey keeps me searching for more. Always asking, allowing and blessing. The newness of life, creation and the bliss of all that is comes alive and I wander in search for the eternal manifestation, the great infinite abode.

Thanks for asking. I am truly greatful for the posing of this question. May you know how much it means. Thank you. I love you. Amen.

-Racheal Ranalletta

The Beginning...

As of late, besides delving deep into Korean soil, I've been delving even deeper into the roots of my own heart and soul, exploring what makes me tick...inside and out. At the core of this exploration is LOVE... the mushy gushy aspects of it, as well and the down and dirty, nitty gritty, painful, ugly, despicable.

As you know, I thought I met my life partner this past year. Me: a girl who fantasized about living the life of a Bohemian poetess rather than being someones bride, got engaged--fast! What started quickly, faded quickly. While I still do love him--and always will--I know in my heart that he is not the one I'm meant to roam this earth with. But in my heart, there's a longing. And after the tumultuous break-up, I realized that that longing has always been there--relationship or not. I think for a while, having a man filled that void within me...but after a certain period of time (maybe 6 mos. or so) that longing came back, stronger and fiercer than ever!

I've realized how much I've sought out romantic love to fill my deep soul's yearnings. And thus, upon the ending of my engagement to Bill and one of the most emotional painful and trying times of my life: being homeless, jobless and penniless and moving back in with my parents at the age of 29!-- I broke free of the self-imposed enslavement of a lifetime of the "wrong" beliefs about love.

My cousin just wrote me an email saying she liked my quote at the end of my messages:"What you need will be drawn to you. Just be patient. Love knows what it's doing." When I read this in a Barry Long meditation book , I cried, in a soul sense-- internally, in a swoon of knowing the truth of what it is to truly love. There was a quote from Pema Chodron, a famous Buddhist author, in one of her books that 's stuck with me too: "Nothing to hold onto is the key to happiness." And so it is. Love is without bounds or limits. It is without past or future.

But the human heart and mind NEVER forgets what is real, what is love. And the body never forgets the smell, the touch, the taste of a lover. There is cellular memory as well as the emotional and mental imprints our loves/love leaves upon us--forever.

I am going to admit to you all, if you haven't already guessed: I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm in Love with LOVE!

In this time without a partner (though I've "tried" to date --and for the 1st time in my life have had all failed attempts!)--I've been forced to go inward, and make the music my heart and soul has been longing for. And for me, that music has come through writing poems, stories and journaling about my heart's quest for love, in all its forms and manifestations. It has opened me to new music, and people and places I never would have imagined journeying in this lifetime. It has allowed me to accept each and every thought and feeling I have as real and valid, and to explore those that linger in me, with more depth and time, and solitude.

And one of this years' gifts has been enveloping the blessings of womanhood. While in New Mexico, I had my 1st experience with women's circles. At first I felt tremendous resistance to these all female gatherings, as a firm believer in equality and all things that are human, not gender biased. Although, a seed was planted in New Mexico that stuck with me as I ventured to Rochester, and stumbled upon women's circles again (or did they stumble upon me?).

And along my journey, I have met SOOOOO many amazing, strong, aware women (ahem! you know who you are!)...

So...while in NYC, awaiting my visa to South Korea in a divinely timed manner, I had an epiphany: what of a woman's forum? What I envision is an inspirational way to communicate, woman to woman, heart to heart, soul to soul, in a myriad of ways. I ultimately saw a book coming out of this process. But right now, I am seeing cyberland as a great way to begin.

So, here's my proposal to you all (and your friends, relatives, etc.--please send this to any women who would totally gel with this forum)!

I propose a sharing of our stories, our woes, our fantasies. You can be married or single, lesbian, bisexual, heterosexual, asexual...

ALL women are welcome. I will post a weekly question, and you can provide a response--to the group, to me, to your best friend, or just to yourself (I love sending emails to myself in this format. Try it--as a love letter from an admirer--it just might surprise you!--lol--no, seriously, though!)

So, are you ready? Here is the first question: (and if you don't like the question, maybe it will spawn something else in you. It's just a trigger for the heart/mind/soul)

What makes your heart wander?

May you all be blessed with a Love-filled week!

Namaste,

sarah ;-)--