Maybe it's just this season that makes my heart and soul expand to the point where I feel that constant cosmic connection with the Source of all of Life!
The above image drew me a picture of the current state of my soul: a grounded dancer...opening to the heavens.
We're always in flux, but there is a core part in all of us that stays constant; present; in tune.
As I go into and out of romantic relationships (2 steady ones in the past year already), I see a pattern: when I'm with partner, I don't write and create as much as when I'm solo. When I'm single, it's a constant process of creativity in all ways. I am creating in the kitchen, with amazing meals; in the garden, planting seeds and nurturing them to blossom; with paper and pen, journaling; blogging; and intimately connecting with many girlfriends on a daily basis. Why do all of these things, including female friendships get stronger when I'm not focusing most of my core creative/sexual energy on a man?
I know it's a process of becoming whole in your Self, -and real-eyes-ing that no one else can complete "you"... but rather, they can compliment you and help you enjoy "you" in various ways-- which is what I feel my friends and family do for me.
When I was in Thailand and Malaysia last summer, I spent a month delving deep into the heart of my Soul... writing, doing yoga, walking on the beach, eating mindfully. I felt whole. I felt like a Soul in a body, having the experience of being human. Upon my return to the states, almost exactly a year ago to this day, I felt a hunger for companionship, connection and support outside of my "Self". I went from living yogically and purely to partying and dating a lot. In a matter of several months, I lived both ends of the extreme. As summer turned into fall, I began to come into a natural balance and falling into a relationship helped me to do so. I fell in love with another writer, which, for both of us was originally seen as being a wonderful impetus for our own writing. We spent nights together reading poetry: ancient, romantic and cosmic stuff, and also our own. However, that "tragic artist" mentality soon began to take over my partner... and, what started out as inspiring and enlightening soon turned into a co-dependent tragedy. I stopped writing. I had to force myself to make jewelry, another way I express myself, for a show I'd signed up to do. However, the "love" this man and I felt for each other in the beginning was appearing to be elusive. Perhaps we were seeing an image rather than the actual person from the get-go.
Sadly to say, what started out so passionately, ended rather dramatically...and in a passionate moment, he lost his "self" and came at me physically. After calling the cops (NEVER did I imagine this would be a scenario I would be involved in) and dealing with the court system for a month and a half, I obtained a year long restraining order to prevent any further contact. It was a sad ending. Instead of parting like 2 mature adults taking care of their own stuff together, I had to pack up his things and release him from my life with unexpected quickness. I was sad and angry.
New Tree
When we go through any sort of trauma, there is a re-building process that must happen. In trauma, it is like the self is broken into pieces and a regeneration process must occur, to "grow the Self back together" into Wholeness once again. My psyche, emotional and physical bodies went through several months of healing-- and, when I felt "whole" I felt ready for a relationship again.
The healing process from this former partner was nurtured by the loving, supportive friends and family in my life. It was mostly the females in my life that were there for healing guidance and helped me to regain my strength.
My next relationship (the previous one had been 3 months) began quickly, but maintained a slower pace than the last one (as my last partner moved in with me after a month of being together). The most recent man and I had been friends and professional acquaintances for several years. He was also a regular student in my yoga classes. This man had many qualities the last one didn't possess. Together, we were able to get into a mystical space-- and help to open each other to that Cosmic Consciouness. As a regular meditator, he had a clarity of mind and spirit that felt like hOMe to me (with an emphasis on the OM, the Cosmic sound of the Universe). This man was also very grounded and compassionate. Just spending time with him as healer to healer always grounded me. To me, he felt like a tree... and really helped me to grow roots in the Rochester community by connecting me with other professionals in the same line of offerings.
However, our relationship started but a week after his last one ended. I was clear and ready (or so I thought), but he was not yet over the psychic, physical and emotional clearing of his last 2 partners. Within a week, he cleared one, and within several weeks seemed to clear most of the other. However, there was a constant "force" between our connection that seemed to be a disconnecting tension or a pressure cooker type dis-ease. This "tension" is a feeling I've been used to with each and every partner I've been with. Why? Perhaps because they were not the life partner for me. After just about 3 months, this man and I have parted ways as lovers. Even "friends" feels like it brings up too much tension to me. As professional colleague I feel free, easy and open with him--thus, taking me full circle, back to where I started with him.
Love is a tricky road. It leaves me to the question: IS there a "right" partner, a twin flame or soul mate for us once we come into that space of feeling WHOLE in our true Self?
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4 comments:
About the lack of creativity when we're with a partner: I really feel this. I was with the same partner for 20 years. After I left, a whole world of creativity opened up at my fingertips. I had known that my creativity was there all along, but I had lost touch with it. I had lost touch with myself.
What I have lost now is the complacency that I had when I was in the relationship. What I have gained is feelings of self-worth, and inspiration!
It goes to show how much of our energy we can put into our partners. We have little left for ourselves. We put ourselves at the bottom of the "Important" list.
How do we avoid this? I have no idea. Maybe it is about finding the right partner. Maybe it is about us holding tight to ourselves, and refusing to let go.
When you figure this out, will you please let me know?
Kristin
Actually, after thinking about this in the shower, I have a different perspective.
What if this is simply a biological issue? Clearly, we are ingrained with instinct. This instinct compels us to settle down with a partner, and to put all of our energy into procreating and carrying on our species. I don't know if we realize how much this instinct effects us. It is as basic as our need to eat and drink.
Our basic, biological self has no use for creativity beyond creating offspring, and finding clever ways to ensure survival. What use does our primitive self have for paintings and poems? Our primitive self might see these things as trifles and distractions from the crucial elements of life.
My aunts found the loves of their lives in their late 40s and 50s. They have really blossomed, both in their relationships and in their creativity. Is this because the instinct to dedicate themselves entirely to family has diminished? Or is it that they've learned what makes them happy, and they've held strong to that?
Kristin
Cool insights, Kristin! I definintely feel it's a bit of both of your responses. I have also learned, as we come into our 40s and 50s there's a sense of "knowing yourself" that pervades your life if you've been on the path of self-realization.
My favorite book to refer to right now is Mutant Messages from Down Under. This simple account of an American woman spending 3 months with an aboriginal tribe says a lot about our culture and what it is to be a real human being. There is a self-exploratory process that is natural, beyond child-rearing. Both are important roles--mothering and creating. How can we, as women (and even men, as fathers), embrace these roles together, without losing our "Self" in the process?
Namaste. -sarah
it's beat
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