Rooting and Expanding in Relationship : The tree with wings!

Maybe it's just this season that makes my heart and soul expand to the point where I feel that constant cosmic connection with the Source of all of Life!
The above image drew me a picture of the current state of my soul: a grounded dancer...opening to the heavens.

We're always in flux, but there is a core part in all of us that stays constant; present; in tune.

As I go into and out of romantic relationships (2 steady ones in the past year already), I see a pattern: when I'm with partner, I don't write and create as much as when I'm solo. When I'm single, it's a constant process of creativity in all ways. I am creating in the kitchen, with amazing meals; in the garden, planting seeds and nurturing them to blossom; with paper and pen, journaling; blogging; and intimately connecting with many girlfriends on a daily basis. Why do all of these things, including female friendships get stronger when I'm not focusing most of my core creative/sexual energy on a man?

I know it's a process of becoming whole in your Self, -and real-eyes-ing that no one else can complete "you"... but rather, they can compliment you and help you enjoy "you" in various ways-- which is what I feel my friends and family do for me.

When I was in Thailand and Malaysia last summer, I spent a month delving deep into the heart of my Soul... writing, doing yoga, walking on the beach, eating mindfully. I felt whole. I felt like a Soul in a body, having the experience of being human. Upon my return to the states, almost exactly a year ago to this day, I felt a hunger for companionship, connection and support outside of my "Self". I went from living yogically and purely to partying and dating a lot. In a matter of several months, I lived both ends of the extreme. As summer turned into fall, I began to come into a natural balance and falling into a relationship helped me to do so. I fell in love with another writer, which, for both of us was originally seen as being a wonderful impetus for our own writing. We spent nights together reading poetry: ancient, romantic and cosmic stuff, and also our own. However, that "tragic artist" mentality soon began to take over my partner... and, what started out as inspiring and enlightening soon turned into a co-dependent tragedy. I stopped writing. I had to force myself to make jewelry, another way I express myself, for a show I'd signed up to do. However, the "love" this man and I felt for each other in the beginning was appearing to be elusive. Perhaps we were seeing an image rather than the actual person from the get-go.

Sadly to say, what started out so passionately, ended rather dramatically...and in a passionate moment, he lost his "self" and came at me physically. After calling the cops (NEVER did I imagine this would be a scenario I would be involved in) and dealing with the court system for a month and a half, I obtained a year long restraining order to prevent any further contact. It was a sad ending. Instead of parting like 2 mature adults taking care of their own stuff together, I had to pack up his things and release him from my life with unexpected quickness. I was sad and angry.

New Tree

When we go through any sort of trauma, there is a re-building process that must happen. In trauma, it is like the self is broken into pieces and a regeneration process must occur, to "grow the Self back together" into Wholeness once again. My psyche, emotional and physical bodies went through several months of healing-- and, when I felt "whole" I felt ready for a relationship again.

The healing process from this former partner was nurtured by the loving, supportive friends and family in my life. It was mostly the females in my life that were there for healing guidance and helped me to regain my strength.

My next relationship (the previous one had been 3 months) began quickly, but maintained a slower pace than the last one (as my last partner moved in with me after a month of being together). The most recent man and I had been friends and professional acquaintances for several years. He was also a regular student in my yoga classes. This man had many qualities the last one didn't possess. Together, we were able to get into a mystical space-- and help to open each other to that Cosmic Consciouness. As a regular meditator, he had a clarity of mind and spirit that felt like hOMe to me (with an emphasis on the OM, the Cosmic sound of the Universe). This man was also very grounded and compassionate. Just spending time with him as healer to healer always grounded me. To me, he felt like a tree... and really helped me to grow roots in the Rochester community by connecting me with other professionals in the same line of offerings.

However, our relationship started but a week after his last one ended. I was clear and ready (or so I thought), but he was not yet over the psychic, physical and emotional clearing of his last 2 partners. Within a week, he cleared one, and within several weeks seemed to clear most of the other. However, there was a constant "force" between our connection that seemed to be a disconnecting tension or a pressure cooker type dis-ease. This "tension" is a feeling I've been used to with each and every partner I've been with. Why? Perhaps because they were not the life partner for me. After just about 3 months, this man and I have parted ways as lovers. Even "friends" feels like it brings up too much tension to me. As professional colleague I feel free, easy and open with him--thus, taking me full circle, back to where I started with him.

Love is a tricky road. It leaves me to the question: IS there a "right" partner, a twin flame or soul mate for us once we come into that space of feeling WHOLE in our true Self?

Community Jamboree

Ga!
I can't give up!
NOT YET!

Only just begun

Guh

to exist...

in the way I choose to.

Do we realize, as humans, how much power we have over our existence?
Do we know we co-create...
we are not victims
we are not vehicles driven by a total outside force...

there's a dance--
a union--
a communion,

with the divine.

I am totally inspired by this process. As I begin to delve into creating a lifestyle that feeds and nourishes my body, heart and spirit-- I examine what it is to be a dancer of the heart...
in tune with the community, as well as my own heart.

I'm realizing this process involves everyone. And the more I step into communing with the desires of my own heart, the more people I get involved (or the cosmos brings) into the process. It's challenging-- in a good-- new-- and slightly unfamiliar way. I feel I just need to absorb it all as I would a meditation or yoga session: observe body, breath and surroundings as a detached observer.

AND THEN....

...then...

there comes the harmony.

I know it's a constant process. And it takes a lot to stay light and positive in the process (to which I thank my peeps, like you all reading this-- supporting and reading and responding).

I can honestly admit I'm scared to step into the world so boldly. I know I can be quite bold. But, as I learn to harness my passions for life in productive, supportive ways for all, I feel that things just flow in a very gentle, loving way.

Wishing the same to all of you!

Things are moving quite quickly lately, aren't they?

The speed of light is upon us. Can we keep up? With each others support, we can

and we ARE.

Namaste to all!
<3

whew!

heart needs pacemaker

Okay:
I LOVE this process. It helps me sift through the muddle into the light of truth and clarity: focus!

A guy I met this summer at a random event gave me a turtle on "non date date" (i don't like dates so much). and i was surprised, b/c i hardly new him...but when he was on vacation he said he thought of me when he saw this little metal turtle. we were both recovering from losses of partners...and had had conversations about taking it slow-- how impt. that is. Well, we didn't end up taking it slow. He was from PA and Syracuse and ended up coming up twice for visits. The 2nd time we dove into intimacy quickly and it didn't feel right. That was the end of that and I was left with the turtle in his wake. i gave him a turtle emblem too... so he was left with that.

UGH. i just gave the turtle to a friend going through a similar thing.

But i feel like i'm still trying to get it. i'm tortoise-like in all else that i do.... outside of love.
i learn by doing and absorbing and hands-on experimentation. but in relationships, there's always been this overwhelming passion that has taken hold... and off i've gone. often letting my heart go faster than my head or vice versa.

with delving into yoga, i'm feeling that "big picture" view of this part of my life.

after my travels, i'm feeling less of that teenage angst-- that desire to move fast and burn out my love of a place quickly is dying or has died. i'm surprised by my growing tree-like nature. it feels nice to naturally desire to grow roots, or let the roots grow me! ...

*sigh*

i can honestly say that i don't know what "love" is supposed to look like in an intimate way. i love everyone equally and don't have an issue feeling that sense of openess to express my heart to friends, students, lovers. however...
i feel like there's something i've been missing, both in my travels outward and inward.

that missing piece....

i seem to have misplaced it somewhere long, long ago.

Huh.

I wonder.

And I've wandered as I've wondered. But it's true that not all who wander are lost. And nothing is ever really lost.

My wanders took me to Thailand where I found a missing piece of my soul.

And now I'm back in the ROC. I'm discovering some inner magic here that is leading me closer to that missing piece.

What had gone "missing", however, is not tangible.

It's light.
It's luminous.
It's heartfelt
maybe even a little devious.

I like it.
I know it.
I want it.

I have it.

But i think i constantly forget.

Guh!

remembering is always fun.

gotta run.

On Freedom...

The Quetzal bird, as my Guatemalan girlfriend tells me, "...is the most beautiful and most valued bird in the world. If it were to ever be captured, a nation would weep, and its soul would pass. That is why Quetzales are the most precious, because they their feathers are worth more than known... they THE TREASURE of Guatemala, the land of eternal spring and sunshine."

In coming to a place of complete self-acceptance and love, there is a space where you stand and feel the shivers of love coming down your spine. I felt this in Kundalini opening experiences, singing mantras in yoga circles, and doing chants and meditation. I've felt that "no thought" meditative space, where only the heart lies-- in bliss, and openness and unconditional compassion, forgiveness and love.

The goal of Yoga is UNION with ALL of life. Yoga can happen in your best friend's living room while playing a drinking game and feeling connection with every person in the circle. It can happen at a concert, while striking up conversation with a complete stranger, in a place of total openness-- talking about nothing, yet feeling their heart beating with each word they speak, with each intonation they use. It can happen in an airport or traffic jam when a total stranger lets you in front of them, because they feel like being kind.

Yoga is true, undying compassion.

Sometimes it is easier for us to feel this for others and the hardest challenge can be giving this to ourselves, in our own moments of uncertainty, fear and distrust. This especially relates to following the heartbeats we feel when living and breathing each day, the breath and the thoughts connected with the breath. Suddenly, for instance, a friend (let's say in a Facebook chat-- Oh, it all comes back to the cyber connections now!) suggests you go to Japan with them for a 3 month teaching contract in the winter... and suddenly, your heart feels lightbulb-like pangs. The "YES! Let's go" button is triggered...and something begins to zoom inside of you like a steady candle flame turned bonfire... and you GULP at the sudden shift of feeling, thought and energy!

Well, this exact moment happened to me recently, after months of forethought about life choices and directions. I came back from a year in a country I didn't resonate with, feeling exhausted, depleted, and un-centered. I needed solid ground to plant myself on, and, as usual, found it in Rochester-- my home away from many homes!

In my Gemini moon nature...there's a constant swelling of ideas, thoughts, desires and travel pangs that surge up pretty regularly. However, I am able to tell the difference between ones of substance and the fleeting, uncertain kind. I am definitely a bird wanting to have a tree to nest in, but constantly needed to stretch my wings and fly a bit...then come back and regroup for awhile in my nest.

I honestly thought this would change at some point-- that I'd become the "mature adult" others expected of me. But, HA! I am a definite Peter Pan! And I'm realizing that accepting and not fighting my wind-like nature is what keeps me happy, feeling whole and complete-- truly living in a space of unconditional love and self-acceptance (which in turn affects the world...b/c it is when we truly accept ourselves that we don't care what "others" think, and we become the best versions of ourselves...truly sharing our gifts...as we truly embrace our gifts.

Oh, the deep swells of the heart. I can't get away from this coming and going, even if it gives me the outside appearance of being placed in certain judgemental boxes. One friend lovingly called me "a leaf blowing in the wind." And this is true. But at the time she said it, I really tried to dodge it and run away from it.

I continue to toy with the concept of "freedom", and what it means to me here and now...and what it's meant to me all along.

What is my concept of "travel" and how does it relate to "freedom" and "self-acceptance"?
And what is YOURS?

Everything in the mind is dualistic-- with it's polar opposite. One person says travel is running away, and another says it's running towards. And so on with everything we "think" we are.

It's in the knowing that we find freedom. It's in that space of pure, compassionate LOVE of self, which in turn is LOVE of Life itself, that we are free. In this space of acceptance, trust and love, we do not feel lost. We can be drinking, smoking, talking, singing, laughing, dancing, crying, embracing someone, or arguing with them... and as long as our heart is in LOVE with the experience, there is no feeling of entrapment. We know deep down we are FREE and we are COMPLETE.

SO... I guess the culmination of all of this hee-hawing over "self-love" and embracing this sense of union in my life is: Fuck everyone! At the end of the day, you are left with yourself, your own heart and mind-- and with your own heart and mind you die. So what we must embrace is that sense of oneness within-- with the self-doubts and the love swoons, and the heartaches and trips and silences and

noisiness and on and on and over and over.

Outside of the chatter there is nothing but peace.

Judgements and uncertainty are illusions. The Yoga comes with knowing that behind everything is an everpresent heartbeat-- a steady beating-- a rapid rythmn-- a wind-like whirling-- that of LOVE.

May you remember that you are love, peace and deep, deep beauty with every breath you take.

Namaste.

On Grieving

We're always grieving the loss of something in our lives: the loss of a lover; a friend moving away for a short time, or permanently; the cancellation of our favorite TV series (remember My So Called Life???), the death of our pet; the death of being single upon getting married, or the death of coupling, upon losing our spouse; the empty nest--as our children venture forth into the world; the loss of our favorite restaurant (remember the Atomic Eggplant?!); the loss of our car, house, or city of residence due to relocation; the death of our computer, iPod, or cellphone. ALL of these deaths are real. Albeit, the death of our iPod doesn't come with the same amount of grief that the death of our lover might trigger--but it is still to be honored and respected as a death.

The beauty of death is that it gives way to new life. There is something breathing in the crevices of our soul-- where we feel the truth in wisdom and purpose of each part of our life's journey.

My journey into yoga was a journey that began with a death-- the death of my sister, Rebecca in 2000. I started yoga when in college in 1997 at the gym I belonged to in Fredonia. I tried it out of curiosity-- to explore something new. I didn't know at that point the magic that yoga had to offer. I was told to do headstand against the wall--and had never put myself in that position--and insecurely looked around the room at everyone else unhesitatingly walking their legs up the wall. The inversions we were told to do frightened me-- but planted a seed in me that would sprout a few years later when I was ready and willing to water it. The college year ended, and with it, so did my yoga classes, but I found Deepak Chopra's book, Perfect Health in a bookstore, and followed the daily yoga routines on my parents deck, during my summer break. Then, in 1998, my sister Rebecca discovered yoga at college, too. We inspired each other. She embraced the power vinyasa style and I the classical Hatha.

Then, in October of 2000, Rebecca died suddenly due to complications with the drug ecstasy. The summer before, she'd been living and working at Omega Institute-- a holistic health resort in Rhinebeck, NY. My sister Rachel and I went to visit her there and noticed a huge shift in her being. She was not the same. She'd transformed in a way that seemed almost other-worldly--her eyes seemed to lack a luster and her step was more springy and sprite-like, as if she preferred to fly rather than walk. She'd seemed to have left her body that summer in pursuit of spiritual truth that led her literally out of this world. Therefore, when she died, my spirit was not shocked-- yet my self as "sister", "friend", and "guardian" was in deep grief.

Some are here for a short time-- and their death is slow, with every step prepared for in a timely manner. And many leave in a sudden jolt-- very similar to the ways they came into this world, perhaps. Rebecca was conceived while our mother was on the pill and using a diaphragm and condoms. Three modes of birth control didn't keep her out. She was determined to be here-- on a mission to inspire and touch people in many different-- intensely light-filled ways!

SO... this death of a sister I loved and hated--struggling in sibling rivalry with all my life-- sent me whirling into a loop of grief I couldn't prepare for. She came to me in spirit several times-- in "ghost" form and in dreamland-- asking for guidance with crossing over to the "other side." Now, I knew nothing of this. I'd lost my grandparents before her, in slow and steady (yet still painful) ways--and hadn't encountered the "other side" of death. However, Rebecca presented me with an opportunity to be her big sister and guide her distraught spirit into the light. I did so in a ritual with my homeopath, who was also a counselor and psychic. After the ritual, in which I included some of her special items: a monkey, some amethyst, rose quartz, childhood pictures, and a chain a of flowers (which she wore in her hair in a picture that last summer at Omega).

At the time, I was still a college student, struggling to finish the end of a difficult semester at Geneseo. I cried in the car on my commute to classes from Rochester 3 days a week. After nearly failing a very easy final in an intro to theater class, I was forced to talk to my professor and tell him of my sister's death. Unsurprisingly, he knew Rebecca from the theater world, and bowed his head in sadness and honor for my grief. He let me take the pass/fail option for the class to save myself from lowering my GPA-- a nice gesture, I embarrassingly accepted.

After that semester, I had to withdraw from school. I ended up taking 2 classes that I enjoyed at the local community college: art history and intro to poetry. I then found yoga! My teacher, Carrie had lost a girlfriend who had been like a sister to her-- and she helped me through the initial phases of my grief by introducing me to restorative yoga. She told me that yogis going through grief often turn their practice into a restorative one when grieving a deep loss. I practiced that form of yoga everyday for almost 9 months. On October 31st, 2001, the day of Rebecca's one year anniversary (my last semester at Geneseo), my family planned a letting go ceremony for Rebecca at our childhood home. We invited her high school friends, their family, and our extended family members. I awoke on this day and felt heavy and dismal. It seemed like I was carrying the weight of entire in my family's grief. I was supposed to meet my family at the IHOP for a breakfast to start off the day. It was a struggle to get there. But I remember romping around the parking lot and into a costume shop, embracing the playful, nymph-like spirit of Rebecca. "She wouldn't want us to be upset today. She'd want us to celebrate," I told my family. And so we went into a costume shop and took silly photos wearing silly things and made a masquerade of it. I had the Rebecca-inspired idea of having everyone dress-up that night. So I called all her friends and told them to come in costume. And they did!

Restorative Yoga
However, after the breakfast-- there were a few hours before the ceremony. I decided to put myself into a heart-opening restorative pose: fish pose with butterfly, where your upper body and head are supported by a bolster, with legs bent in butterfly--feet together, knees supported by rolled up blankets or pillows. A strap can be used to wrap around the feet to increase the hip-flexor stretch-- releasing deep tension from the hips-- where we store our anger. The arms are extended out at a 45 degree angle (resting on folded blankets if the chest muscle is tight) with palms up to receive energy, creating a nice gentle chest opening.

This posture can release deep grief. And that day it did. This is one of those days that stands out in my 10 years of yoga practice. 20 or so minutes in this posture led to a point where my chest opened like a bubble, and the breath released, sending the energy all along my spine and out through the crown of my head. I turned over on my side and started laughing. A joy welled up from within me that made me forget all that pain. I released it! I came into union with the NOW.

I remember Rebecca's slogan before her death was BE HERE NOW. Ram Dass wrote a book with that title that inspired that slogan in her. She must have known her time was short. But do we ever really know?!!

In yoga school, our sutras teacher asked us, "What was your most meaningful moment on the mat?" I told of this one-- and you know what he said?--"You experienced yoga: union with the moment. You left your suffering of the past for the present, where no suffering exists." And so I did.

I went to the ceremony glowing. I spent a while painting my face with fake sparkly tears on one side and smiling eyes on the other. I donned myself as a clown in vintage garb. I felt playful and open and free. AND-- everyone noticed. "What happened to you?", my parents asked me as soon as I skipped in the door. "I dunno, I just did yoga," I said airily, smiling at all my sister's high school friends.

That night, I became a yogini. I realized the depth of power in simple practice. That night, I learned to grieve properly: to allow, to feel, to breathe, and to release--creating space for the eternal NOW-- that is constantly in flux and endlessly in mellifluous motion.

Dreams...
I dream of a world where people allow themselves to grieve properly. This world involves proper ritual: song and dance, tears and laughter, joy and pain-- all in harmony with the rhythms within ourselves and with the external-- the earth and the sentient beings upon it and around it.

There is truly a mystical element to death-- one that our human self may never fully understand-- but one that it has the capacity to receive, if given the space to breathe it in and feel it's power. And yoga is one such method to embrace the ongoing dance of life and death.

And, this is my true purpose and passion: to bridge that veil between life and death.

(WOW! As a writer, healer and teacher, it feels that I've opened up the Pandora's box within myself-- a mystical, mythical world that exists in the mundane, the everyday. Where I will go with this-- I do not yet know. My heart skips a beat as I say this and type it. It's all about existing in truth-- and honoring the instincts I feel that are so powerful inside of me...)

What exists within you that is instinctual, raw, and organic-- that if you unleash it, that Pandora's Box will send your head and heart spinning?...

On doing things backwards...

When I started to crawl, I went backwards first. My mother questioned my sanity. But then I crawled forwards and I think my mother heaved a big sigh of relief! The next thing was walking. And that took me awhile!

I'm realizing lately that I like taking this slowly-- being cautious about choices-- in a rather impulsive way. This is my nature. Does it make sense? Well, I could use my Gemini moon to explain things-- to say I have two heads and both have different views on things--which leads to lots of confusion and befuddled, often muddied choices. BUT, in the end, things work out as they're supposed to, and everything appears tidy (for the most part) despite a bit of chaos in between.

So, I recently tried to apply for Americorps positions in Oregon-- the place my heart and soul yearns for! The positions didn't pan out. Bummer. However, my dislike for anything that feels "jobbish" is stronger than my love of Oregon. It was actually a blessing in disguise that is leaving me to face my truest love: self-employment. I have tried on 2 separate occasions to start-up my business, Inner Bloom Yoga, in Rochester-- and both times got scared at the feeling of getting "settled" in a place I've had a love/hate relationship with all my life. So, recently, I've decided to go full force. The stars have kept me here for now, and I'm working with all of my inner resources to make my self-employment dream a reality!

It's exciting, yet terrifyingly enlightening at the same time-- opening me up to hidden doors that lead to unexplored rooms within myself. These are rooms I've been waiting to discover, and now that I am, I'm not quite sure what to do with them!

Being self-employed takes a lot of inner resolve and faith. I'm re-embracing my spirituality in a new way. I think I began to doubt myself and question my spirituality before I went to Korea. I didn't trust my ability to support myself (although the economy did go to pot while I was away), so I sought out employment with a paid apartment in a foreign land where I knew I'd have job security and health insurance for at least a year. However, this "security" came with long working hours and unpaid overtime-- and involved living in a very polluted city where very few people spoke English. That nearly year-long learning experience taught me that I DO want to be self-employed-- more than anything in fact.

Right now, I'm not seeking marriage with a partner, but with my passion: supporting myself as a single woman doing what she loves!

What fears do you have about marrying your passions?

Remembering the time!

Oh, how Micheal Jackson's recent death has sent my head and heart spinning back to my childhood, early teen years and time in South Korea. I had a Facebook chat today with a male friend of mine in Oregon-- someone whom I've only known in cyberland--as we have mutual friends and interests. The matrix of cyber connection (hence, this blog being a string in that web of connection) can carry us to places and people we would never know otherwise. This friend recently commented on a Micheal Jackson link I put up-- and I thought upon reading it, "Have I ever even physically met this person?". So, being the bold lady that I am, I sent him a message asking him such, to which he replied, "No, we have not met--and we connected through Myspace [when I had an account there!]. But I think we have mutual friends in common."-- to which I discovered we have one. This is someone I almost went on a blind date with, but didn't and now we're engaging in hour long online chats and perusing each others' travel pictures. How interesting cyberland is.

It's almost like Neverland--but without the rides and cotton candy. I'm finding a sense of play and maintaining friendships across the globe with daily chats and Facebook check-ups that keep my mind connected to the happenings of all of those I've engaged with in a long-term intimate, and short-term superficial way.

I hear my mother saying "You never know how you're going to meet that special someone. One day, he'll just pop up out of nowhere--when you're not looking." And what used to mean physical "pop-ups" can now be a cyber pop-up-- like a random guy from Oregon that starts a chat with me. The possibilities for meeting someone with cyberland now seem endless. And the impossible is less likely.

I'm constantly fascinated--and sometimes disgusted by technology. When it is available, it is all consuming. Thus, I find myself seeking respite from "the matrix of the word wide web" by going to remote places for a period of time where I know I won't have access to it. When I was in Thailand recently for a month, I chose not to get a cellphone, even though they were very cheap there. My friends there were constantly nagging me about not having one-- because we had to setup meeting dates the old-fashioned way-- by planning a time to meet the next day and being there! Strangely enough, I felt like I was 8 years old again meeting up with my neighborhood friends. And if we didn't plan, then someone would show-up at my doorstep at just the right time. It was romantic to live that way again and remind myself that life is simple and easy and that humans are in tune with each other without Twitter texts or Facebook updates.

However, the cyber-age doesn't need to be discounted either. I mean I was able to order my plane ticket back to the states and plan my trip within a day-- as well as talk to family via Skype for free!

It's the Middle Way-- the way the Buddha lived--that seems to be the key to happiness for most of us.

So... my question....

What is your middle way? And what ways do you feel your soul has gone astray???

<3>