*gulp*...
Loneliness...
is not my favorite word. In fact, it's a word that I've found intimidating, diminishing and shameful for most of my life. No one wants to admit to feeling it. Inner loneliness...feels like being alone in the Sahara, without food or water, when in reality, you're on a crowded subway surrounded by other human beings, with a full Nalgene and bag of trail mix in your backpack. The Beatles song "All the lonely people" alludes to this phenomenon of the heart. We can all admit to experiencing it. But do we allow ourselves to really feel it?
This is, in a sense, why I've sought out relationships--both casual social, and intimate: for those other hearts and souls that you can connect with on many levels. That, after all, is one reason why we are here on this planet as a human race: to connect with each other. That union of partners is one of life's greatest gifts (and challenges). In yoga, they say that marriage and family are the highest forms of yoga (or union) a human can partake in.
In this time of singledom, being a stranger in a strange land, I've been seeing clearly my own desire to connect with others. I have always been a woman who appreciates her alone time, but after my 1st long-term relationship, I began to develop a tremendous fondness for sharing time connecting intimately with one other. I love social events and group sharing, but my heart truly yearns for a lover, and partner to share time with--outside of my solo time. It's all a fine and delicate balance: sharing your life with friends, your lover, and yourself as a solo entity.
I am still a bit shy about exploring this feeling of loneliness so publicly, but I feel it's time. My exploration of this sense of loneliness started this past year when I was ill with a bad stomach bug and my then partner decided to leave me for 3 days to fend for myself in a cold, snowy mountain cabin--without any firewood readily available to keep the place warm. It was one of those worst case scenarios that I lived through! And the person that was my best friend, my lover, and my partner in every way in that small mountain community, was gone. I felt a loneliness that I've never allowed myself to feel fully. But I was not truly alone. I was grateful for the company of our cat during that time, as well as the bluebird that kept hovering in front of the window like a messenger telling me it was time to go. This was a strange occurrence, because it would look straight at me--but birds can only see from the side. This bird came around our house--coincidentally named, The Bluebird--for a few weeks prior to this event. My partner and I tried to give him birdseed, which he wouldn't eat. We checked for a hidden nest, of which there was none. And finally, we gave up. However, the day I got my plane ticket out of that place the bird left. It vanished without a trace. This story could go into the sacredness of the earth that I was reminded of on that mountain. A Native American church ceremony a month before this event also reminded me that we are but a small part in this thing called life. Every animal, including us human animals, plays but a small, yet important role on this planet. And during the time where that loneliness was triggered, I empathized with our cat, Winnie, who was often left alone most of the day to entertain herself. She was a cat who loved affection and lots of attention. I then knew how she felt when we left her all alone. And I felt so awful leaving her for good when I moved out a few days later.
For 6 months, I have been sitting with that loneliness and the aftereffects of that abandonment. And, just like my dear sister Rebecca's death from this world--one of the most painful events has been one of my greatest gifts. I feel more solid and centered in myself than ever, and I am living out my heart's deepest dreams (of which my former partner was not a supporter of--as travel was not his passion)--living in another country, writing, traveling and enjoying all the blessings of life!
And, a very shaky decision--to uproot myself and come to Korea to live and teach for at least a year--has proved to blossom into a lotus of infinite possibility!
Often in life, things don't work out exactly as we plan them to. Our heart's have desires, which become manifest, in a very perfect way--but the result isn't always the way we imagine it to be. Many New Age lingo talks of asking for the "highest possible outcome"--or "what's best for everyone". Ultimately, if the heart is the decision maker, this happens automatically. No need for fancy lingo, just a simple, heart-based desire.
And so, the question of the week is:
What are you most fearful of?
& What does your heart have to say on this matter?...
Enjoy the Beauty and Bliss that is everywhere!
Love,
sarah <3>
Loneliness...
is not my favorite word. In fact, it's a word that I've found intimidating, diminishing and shameful for most of my life. No one wants to admit to feeling it. Inner loneliness...feels like being alone in the Sahara, without food or water, when in reality, you're on a crowded subway surrounded by other human beings, with a full Nalgene and bag of trail mix in your backpack. The Beatles song "All the lonely people" alludes to this phenomenon of the heart. We can all admit to experiencing it. But do we allow ourselves to really feel it?
This is, in a sense, why I've sought out relationships--both casual social, and intimate: for those other hearts and souls that you can connect with on many levels. That, after all, is one reason why we are here on this planet as a human race: to connect with each other. That union of partners is one of life's greatest gifts (and challenges). In yoga, they say that marriage and family are the highest forms of yoga (or union) a human can partake in.
In this time of singledom, being a stranger in a strange land, I've been seeing clearly my own desire to connect with others. I have always been a woman who appreciates her alone time, but after my 1st long-term relationship, I began to develop a tremendous fondness for sharing time connecting intimately with one other. I love social events and group sharing, but my heart truly yearns for a lover, and partner to share time with--outside of my solo time. It's all a fine and delicate balance: sharing your life with friends, your lover, and yourself as a solo entity.
I am still a bit shy about exploring this feeling of loneliness so publicly, but I feel it's time. My exploration of this sense of loneliness started this past year when I was ill with a bad stomach bug and my then partner decided to leave me for 3 days to fend for myself in a cold, snowy mountain cabin--without any firewood readily available to keep the place warm. It was one of those worst case scenarios that I lived through! And the person that was my best friend, my lover, and my partner in every way in that small mountain community, was gone. I felt a loneliness that I've never allowed myself to feel fully. But I was not truly alone. I was grateful for the company of our cat during that time, as well as the bluebird that kept hovering in front of the window like a messenger telling me it was time to go. This was a strange occurrence, because it would look straight at me--but birds can only see from the side. This bird came around our house--coincidentally named, The Bluebird--for a few weeks prior to this event. My partner and I tried to give him birdseed, which he wouldn't eat. We checked for a hidden nest, of which there was none. And finally, we gave up. However, the day I got my plane ticket out of that place the bird left. It vanished without a trace. This story could go into the sacredness of the earth that I was reminded of on that mountain. A Native American church ceremony a month before this event also reminded me that we are but a small part in this thing called life. Every animal, including us human animals, plays but a small, yet important role on this planet. And during the time where that loneliness was triggered, I empathized with our cat, Winnie, who was often left alone most of the day to entertain herself. She was a cat who loved affection and lots of attention. I then knew how she felt when we left her all alone. And I felt so awful leaving her for good when I moved out a few days later.
For 6 months, I have been sitting with that loneliness and the aftereffects of that abandonment. And, just like my dear sister Rebecca's death from this world--one of the most painful events has been one of my greatest gifts. I feel more solid and centered in myself than ever, and I am living out my heart's deepest dreams (of which my former partner was not a supporter of--as travel was not his passion)--living in another country, writing, traveling and enjoying all the blessings of life!
And, a very shaky decision--to uproot myself and come to Korea to live and teach for at least a year--has proved to blossom into a lotus of infinite possibility!
Often in life, things don't work out exactly as we plan them to. Our heart's have desires, which become manifest, in a very perfect way--but the result isn't always the way we imagine it to be. Many New Age lingo talks of asking for the "highest possible outcome"--or "what's best for everyone". Ultimately, if the heart is the decision maker, this happens automatically. No need for fancy lingo, just a simple, heart-based desire.
And so, the question of the week is:
What are you most fearful of?
& What does your heart have to say on this matter?...
Enjoy the Beauty and Bliss that is everywhere!
Love,
sarah <3>
Posts
2 comments:
What Sarah Lamp shared about the bird in the cabin- that was so beautiful…As for loneliness, where I come from, it’s not an embarassing thing to talk about at all! And it would be a horrible lie to not talk about it.
I am most fearful that it’s all really up to me. I’m scared of syncronicity- it’s happened so much that I feel overwhelmed, I feel I don’t understand, and I’m turning away from noticing it. Because I realized honestly, that it’s really that whenever I want something, I’m helped. But I keep changing my mind. The help keeps coming though. The help doesn’t really guide me with a larger direction, it’s always little things. I’ve gotten so many ideas that I feel I am in a place where there are no possibilites because there are too many possibilities. That’s my inner conflict now.
And I decide to deal with this alone and not trust help because I’ve come to see that no one will ever know the whole me- because it doesn’t make sense, because it’s impossible. I’m the only one who understands each part of myself, and I can barely manage to continue, how would another person help me? I’d just waste my energy explaining things to them.
The most someone can really understand is only a few parts of me but there’s always a huge part of me (my home’s culture, my interest in music, my *own music, my generation –the facebook generation and all its garbage effects on us- my fear of a never ending cold war in Lebanon and its effects on my future) there’s many parts to people, so how can someone possibly know another person as a whole?
The fear I get with relationships is the shock of realizing that there was no real understanding between you, that despite your efforts and slow pace, you can have these shocks happen when you thought you were positive that you connected with the person. So lonliness to me is feeling so miserably misunderstood. And it’s the worst when I feel misunderstood by myself.
- p.s. I am optimistic though! I’ll share this in my next post : )
Wow, Mariam! Thank You! I LOVED your reply! It's such a journey learning to share "parts" of ourselves with a lover, yet knowing that only we can truly understand and know the totality of who we are as a solo human entity.
It is the true heroines journey to delve deep into ones own soil, and learn to plant the seeds of our dreams and water them until they bloom. Others may come along and help us fertilize them, but it is truly us, as solo entities that waters them and helps them to bloom, with the simple language of our own heart.
And, honestly, I DON'T know if I completely understand myself when it comes to relationship with a lover. It is a very deep journey for me to relate intimately with another. And the deepest intimacy is with my own self. But that will be another post.
Thanks! and I appreciate and honor all of the responses I'm receiving!
So amazing and beautiful is the language of the soul. As Shakespeare put it, "To thine own heart be true"...and so we are: in speaking the language of our hearts, in breathing the infinity of our own desires.
Namaste,
sarah =)
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