We all have desires and dreams to live a happy and fulfilling life. One of the biggest challenges in my own path to happiness and fulfillment has been in the realm of relationship. A conversation with a sister-friend today has reminded me how I have just settled for whatever is the easiest, most convenient relationship, even if all my needs are not being met.
I have 2 very close friends here: one male and one female. My history with heterosexual friendships with males has always been a bit foggy. There has always been a sexual tension factor that has been stronger for one of us. Right now, the male friend that I have has become a pseudo-romantic relationship. It's probably better to label it a friendship with benefits... though even that is an inappropriate label. If an outsider looks at our relationship-- he or she would say we are dating. He has an extra toothbrush and contact case in my bathroom, sleeps in my bed almost every night, we make dinner together, cuddle on our bus ride to school, and spend most of our free time hanging out with each other. At first, it was fun, and my needs for physical and emotional intimacy were being met in ways they hadn't since I ended my last relationship almost a year ago. But after a few months of this type of "friendship", my mind and heart are yearning for commitment--to which he tells me he can't offer me.
After I broke up with my 1st love, I fell into such friendships on and off again, feeling partially fulfilled but deeply longing for a more compatible partner who wanted similar things. I thought I'd found that in my fiance last year in New Mexico, until we realized our dreams for the future were very different.
I think part of the path of commitment is realizing what is important to our own hearts--and taking a detailed inventory of our own needs, wants and desires for our lives. Now this doesn't mean we can't fall into love with someone, which is what happened to me when this male friend came into my life-- but it does mean we still have a choice to make in regards to how we respond to that love.
I must admit, I am feeling unfulfilled in the realm of this undefined or unrelationship relationship I am in right now. This friend has been put into my life to remind me of what I really want and speak it clearly and consciously to myself. I have been scared of commitment all of my life-- up until recently. I was able to tell him what I wanted: someone to commit to me, to call me their girlfriend, just as I would call him my boyfriend. I want to be in harmony with myself, by doing the things I love and allowing my boyfriend to do the same, all the while knowing our love and bond is strong enough to support our own independent journeys, which ultimately bring us back to each other, to dance in harmony and celebrate together our own uniqueness .
Being in another country is not easy. I miss my close friends and family that I've grown to build a loving bond with all these years. I want to have that close-knit feel, which my close friendships here have provided for me-- a sense of family--that tribal feeling of belonging and unconditional acceptance and love. That is what I always seek and find wherever I go. Though my heart and mind have longed for that one person to come home to and share with on a daily basis my own journey, just as he does his. I am beginning to understand the nature of dancing together, as separate beings with different roles and purposes--holding between us the intention of partnership and sharing that goes beyond pure ease--and into the realm of choosing.
I think we have all, as my girlfriend said, settled at some point for intimacy that fulfills us only to a certain point. I know "the experts" also recommend taking a deep self-reflective space period after a break-up to let those unmet needs float to the surface. I have found that all intimate relationships, be they friendships, family or lovers, are the best mirrors in which to see the faces we have been ignoring-- the deep unbloomed flowers that we have failed to water due to our own fears of looking deeply within.
Timing is the other word that many people use when they speak of meeting that special someone--the right relationship for you. For some this happens very young, for others, it takes a lifetime to water and nurture to full bloom. Another friend recently told me "Life has its own design". And indeed, it does.
I have embraced the words patience, trust and love this past year in a new way. It's almost like being pregnant with oneself, and learning to feed those extra needs in a very careful way. The delicacy it takes to care for ourselves is perhaps equivalent to the artistry with which one cares for a bonsai tree-- to be constantly vigilant and tender-- to water, and prune and love it like it is your purpose in life. After all, our main purpose is to care for and water our own selves-- and from that nurturing, we can water the rest of the world.
My dear friend told me to make a list of what I came here to do-- and the needs I feel are being met, and those that aren't. I'm not sure I can do this all in one sitting, after all, that why life is setup the way it is-- so that we can, as Rilke says live the answers.
I don't think we are ever totally "alone". Our own self is such a full pallete of colors and questions, it literally takes a lifetime to unravel and explore. I also don't think we can ever feel completely "settled" in anything. It is human nature to want, to create, to manifest and to try something new. But I am coming to know that we can truly get what we ask for in relationship if we know exactly what we are asking. I think life partnership is one of the greatest gifts and challenges to humans-- and we would be lying to ourselves if we didn't say we wanted some sort of partnership. Even if your desire is to be a hermit or a nun, you are still devoting yourself to a relationship with God. All of my spiritual exploration has led me to see the simplicity of all of life. All we truly want is to love and to be loved. Yet, why is this task so enormous and complex in its simplicity???
Everything we need to water our own gardens is always lying right in front of us. Right now, I am embracing the courage (another new concept I'm coming to understand) to see it and accept it with the eyes of true love. For, ultimately, our greatest lover is and always will be our own self. But it's fun to share that with another. And so I choose to open myself to that possibility fully and completely.
There is no greater love than love.
My question to you all is:
What are your needs in relationship? Are they being met?
<3
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
2 comments:
Since the age of 16, I have continuously been in relationships. Long, drawn out relationships, one after the other. At the time, I feel they fulfilled my needs. I am a firm believer in the idea that we are always receiving exactly what it is that we need, as much as that may not at the moment, or on the surface, seem to be true. Therefore, I never cease to give thanks, even for the hardships, the heartaches, the heartbreaks, and even the bruises and scars I have both given and received. For these experiences and exchanges have shaped me into who I am today. Everything has helped me to grow, and has taught me and still continues to.
I have recently taken a hiatus from dating. I have been single now almost a year, and completely by choice. I became disillusioned by the thought of another aimless/purposeless relationship. My soul began yearning for a real partner. Not just a person to satiate my desires with, but someone with whom I could cultivate and build energy with.
This, I realized would require a man who also wants the same thing. I no longer have the capacity or the heart to 'settle' for whatever. My expectations are high and clear- something I have realized is extremely important and useful not only in relationships but in all of life's endeavors.
So many important realizations have come to me during this time of aloneness. Most importantly, perhaps, is the realization that I must love myself. And not just that, I must GROW my love for myself. And this is not a selfish act. It is actually the highest way of serving, because the greater one's capacity is to love oneself, the greater capacity of love they have to give (and thus, receive). So, to find that one who can provide me with the level of love I yearn for, I must first find and know that love within myself. For ultimately, I wish to cultivate my love so that I can give it away.
So, my mission now is to serve my future partner, by serving myself. To become great, not for me, but for others. I pray this message be understood. In this light, I have absolute faith, that my partner and I will find each other when we are ready- when we are as full as we can each be on our own. Can you imagine the beauty? Two vessels full of devoted love, joining forces for ultimate good. Not to have ownership or control over one another, but rather so serve each other, support each other, and provide each other with their needs. Even if that means letting go, as I have learned it sometimes does.
So... In Lakesh, Shalom, Namaste, Sat Nam, Love and Light eternal. Thank you for this opportunity to share.
Sarah,
This was an awesome post to read today, a day that I had to take a stand courageously for what is me and what I want. I am living with a husband who amazes me every day. In July I decided to help him with his business and it has been very mentally and physically draining to me. This is not because phone calls, paperwork and e-mailing take a lot of effort but that I know what my life's goal is...and it's not to lead this arm of his business.
Before I "quit" my feelings, history, parents, childhood...along with many more factors, were tied up in following through with this obligation. But finally, on the edge of tears with a stomach ache and I said I couldn't do it and was received with loving compassion.
As I said my husband surprises and amazes me because despite our changing roles, our growth individually and as a couple, we have been able to be there for one another in a way that neither of us learned growing up in our households. I am so proud of us, mostly for the stronger bond that we have today than we had when we met, got married, or moved away from friends and family together.
It certainly is a challenge to respect ourselves in relationship, but I am so thankful that I have a loving partner who meets my needs everyday as long as I hear them, voice them, and allow space for an answer or change from him (if needed).
Thanks for opening another door inside of my heart, Sarah.
Post a Comment