Okay:
I LOVE this process. It helps me sift through the muddle into the light of truth and clarity: focus!
A guy I met this summer at a random event gave me a turtle on "non date date" (i don't like dates so much). and i was surprised, b/c i hardly new him...but when he was on vacation he said he thought of me when he saw this little metal turtle. we were both recovering from losses of partners...and had had conversations about taking it slow-- how impt. that is. Well, we didn't end up taking it slow. He was from PA and Syracuse and ended up coming up twice for visits. The 2nd time we dove into intimacy quickly and it didn't feel right. That was the end of that and I was left with the turtle in his wake. i gave him a turtle emblem too... so he was left with that.
UGH. i just gave the turtle to a friend going through a similar thing.
But i feel like i'm still trying to get it. i'm tortoise-like in all else that i do.... outside of love.
i learn by doing and absorbing and hands-on experimentation. but in relationships, there's always been this overwhelming passion that has taken hold... and off i've gone. often letting my heart go faster than my head or vice versa.
with delving into yoga, i'm feeling that "big picture" view of this part of my life.
after my travels, i'm feeling less of that teenage angst-- that desire to move fast and burn out my love of a place quickly is dying or has died. i'm surprised by my growing tree-like nature. it feels nice to naturally desire to grow roots, or let the roots grow me! ...
*sigh*
i can honestly say that i don't know what "love" is supposed to look like in an intimate way. i love everyone equally and don't have an issue feeling that sense of openess to express my heart to friends, students, lovers. however...
i feel like there's something i've been missing, both in my travels outward and inward.
that missing piece....
i seem to have misplaced it somewhere long, long ago.
Huh.
I wonder.
And I've wandered as I've wondered. But it's true that not all who wander are lost. And nothing is ever really lost.
My wanders took me to Thailand where I found a missing piece of my soul.
And now I'm back in the ROC. I'm discovering some inner magic here that is leading me closer to that missing piece.
What had gone "missing", however, is not tangible.
It's light.
It's luminous.
It's heartfelt
maybe even a little devious.
I like it.
I know it.
I want it.
I have it.
But i think i constantly forget.
Guh!
remembering is always fun.
gotta run.
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2 comments:
what we learn of love begins before we show ourselves to this world..it is deep inside yet we do learn of love from outside ourselves,too....the truth is inside ourselves, we somtimes forget and thus, need to spend much time delving into ourselves to "re learn" what we already know....looking within to know why we respond the way we do....truth can be difficult,yet it isn't as difficult to live with as dishonesty....the truth can be right in front of us and yet we cannot see it for what it is.....basic love,without our inperfections, will show us the truth.....and the sexual aspect of love is one of the more intimate ways to express our love, not to be shared with too many.....for they may not be capable of that "true" love.....and i don't mean the version of "true love" that we learn in this culture.....true meaning truth.....
I love how openly you are sharing yourself Sarah, and your process. Your courage is inspiring. Thank you! I love your journey and give thanks to get to be part of it by reading your words!
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