On Freedom...

The Quetzal bird, as my Guatemalan girlfriend tells me, "...is the most beautiful and most valued bird in the world. If it were to ever be captured, a nation would weep, and its soul would pass. That is why Quetzales are the most precious, because they their feathers are worth more than known... they THE TREASURE of Guatemala, the land of eternal spring and sunshine."

In coming to a place of complete self-acceptance and love, there is a space where you stand and feel the shivers of love coming down your spine. I felt this in Kundalini opening experiences, singing mantras in yoga circles, and doing chants and meditation. I've felt that "no thought" meditative space, where only the heart lies-- in bliss, and openness and unconditional compassion, forgiveness and love.

The goal of Yoga is UNION with ALL of life. Yoga can happen in your best friend's living room while playing a drinking game and feeling connection with every person in the circle. It can happen at a concert, while striking up conversation with a complete stranger, in a place of total openness-- talking about nothing, yet feeling their heart beating with each word they speak, with each intonation they use. It can happen in an airport or traffic jam when a total stranger lets you in front of them, because they feel like being kind.

Yoga is true, undying compassion.

Sometimes it is easier for us to feel this for others and the hardest challenge can be giving this to ourselves, in our own moments of uncertainty, fear and distrust. This especially relates to following the heartbeats we feel when living and breathing each day, the breath and the thoughts connected with the breath. Suddenly, for instance, a friend (let's say in a Facebook chat-- Oh, it all comes back to the cyber connections now!) suggests you go to Japan with them for a 3 month teaching contract in the winter... and suddenly, your heart feels lightbulb-like pangs. The "YES! Let's go" button is triggered...and something begins to zoom inside of you like a steady candle flame turned bonfire... and you GULP at the sudden shift of feeling, thought and energy!

Well, this exact moment happened to me recently, after months of forethought about life choices and directions. I came back from a year in a country I didn't resonate with, feeling exhausted, depleted, and un-centered. I needed solid ground to plant myself on, and, as usual, found it in Rochester-- my home away from many homes!

In my Gemini moon nature...there's a constant swelling of ideas, thoughts, desires and travel pangs that surge up pretty regularly. However, I am able to tell the difference between ones of substance and the fleeting, uncertain kind. I am definitely a bird wanting to have a tree to nest in, but constantly needed to stretch my wings and fly a bit...then come back and regroup for awhile in my nest.

I honestly thought this would change at some point-- that I'd become the "mature adult" others expected of me. But, HA! I am a definite Peter Pan! And I'm realizing that accepting and not fighting my wind-like nature is what keeps me happy, feeling whole and complete-- truly living in a space of unconditional love and self-acceptance (which in turn affects the world...b/c it is when we truly accept ourselves that we don't care what "others" think, and we become the best versions of ourselves...truly sharing our gifts...as we truly embrace our gifts.

Oh, the deep swells of the heart. I can't get away from this coming and going, even if it gives me the outside appearance of being placed in certain judgemental boxes. One friend lovingly called me "a leaf blowing in the wind." And this is true. But at the time she said it, I really tried to dodge it and run away from it.

I continue to toy with the concept of "freedom", and what it means to me here and now...and what it's meant to me all along.

What is my concept of "travel" and how does it relate to "freedom" and "self-acceptance"?
And what is YOURS?

Everything in the mind is dualistic-- with it's polar opposite. One person says travel is running away, and another says it's running towards. And so on with everything we "think" we are.

It's in the knowing that we find freedom. It's in that space of pure, compassionate LOVE of self, which in turn is LOVE of Life itself, that we are free. In this space of acceptance, trust and love, we do not feel lost. We can be drinking, smoking, talking, singing, laughing, dancing, crying, embracing someone, or arguing with them... and as long as our heart is in LOVE with the experience, there is no feeling of entrapment. We know deep down we are FREE and we are COMPLETE.

SO... I guess the culmination of all of this hee-hawing over "self-love" and embracing this sense of union in my life is: Fuck everyone! At the end of the day, you are left with yourself, your own heart and mind-- and with your own heart and mind you die. So what we must embrace is that sense of oneness within-- with the self-doubts and the love swoons, and the heartaches and trips and silences and

noisiness and on and on and over and over.

Outside of the chatter there is nothing but peace.

Judgements and uncertainty are illusions. The Yoga comes with knowing that behind everything is an everpresent heartbeat-- a steady beating-- a rapid rythmn-- a wind-like whirling-- that of LOVE.

May you remember that you are love, peace and deep, deep beauty with every breath you take.

Namaste.

On Grieving

We're always grieving the loss of something in our lives: the loss of a lover; a friend moving away for a short time, or permanently; the cancellation of our favorite TV series (remember My So Called Life???), the death of our pet; the death of being single upon getting married, or the death of coupling, upon losing our spouse; the empty nest--as our children venture forth into the world; the loss of our favorite restaurant (remember the Atomic Eggplant?!); the loss of our car, house, or city of residence due to relocation; the death of our computer, iPod, or cellphone. ALL of these deaths are real. Albeit, the death of our iPod doesn't come with the same amount of grief that the death of our lover might trigger--but it is still to be honored and respected as a death.

The beauty of death is that it gives way to new life. There is something breathing in the crevices of our soul-- where we feel the truth in wisdom and purpose of each part of our life's journey.

My journey into yoga was a journey that began with a death-- the death of my sister, Rebecca in 2000. I started yoga when in college in 1997 at the gym I belonged to in Fredonia. I tried it out of curiosity-- to explore something new. I didn't know at that point the magic that yoga had to offer. I was told to do headstand against the wall--and had never put myself in that position--and insecurely looked around the room at everyone else unhesitatingly walking their legs up the wall. The inversions we were told to do frightened me-- but planted a seed in me that would sprout a few years later when I was ready and willing to water it. The college year ended, and with it, so did my yoga classes, but I found Deepak Chopra's book, Perfect Health in a bookstore, and followed the daily yoga routines on my parents deck, during my summer break. Then, in 1998, my sister Rebecca discovered yoga at college, too. We inspired each other. She embraced the power vinyasa style and I the classical Hatha.

Then, in October of 2000, Rebecca died suddenly due to complications with the drug ecstasy. The summer before, she'd been living and working at Omega Institute-- a holistic health resort in Rhinebeck, NY. My sister Rachel and I went to visit her there and noticed a huge shift in her being. She was not the same. She'd transformed in a way that seemed almost other-worldly--her eyes seemed to lack a luster and her step was more springy and sprite-like, as if she preferred to fly rather than walk. She'd seemed to have left her body that summer in pursuit of spiritual truth that led her literally out of this world. Therefore, when she died, my spirit was not shocked-- yet my self as "sister", "friend", and "guardian" was in deep grief.

Some are here for a short time-- and their death is slow, with every step prepared for in a timely manner. And many leave in a sudden jolt-- very similar to the ways they came into this world, perhaps. Rebecca was conceived while our mother was on the pill and using a diaphragm and condoms. Three modes of birth control didn't keep her out. She was determined to be here-- on a mission to inspire and touch people in many different-- intensely light-filled ways!

SO... this death of a sister I loved and hated--struggling in sibling rivalry with all my life-- sent me whirling into a loop of grief I couldn't prepare for. She came to me in spirit several times-- in "ghost" form and in dreamland-- asking for guidance with crossing over to the "other side." Now, I knew nothing of this. I'd lost my grandparents before her, in slow and steady (yet still painful) ways--and hadn't encountered the "other side" of death. However, Rebecca presented me with an opportunity to be her big sister and guide her distraught spirit into the light. I did so in a ritual with my homeopath, who was also a counselor and psychic. After the ritual, in which I included some of her special items: a monkey, some amethyst, rose quartz, childhood pictures, and a chain a of flowers (which she wore in her hair in a picture that last summer at Omega).

At the time, I was still a college student, struggling to finish the end of a difficult semester at Geneseo. I cried in the car on my commute to classes from Rochester 3 days a week. After nearly failing a very easy final in an intro to theater class, I was forced to talk to my professor and tell him of my sister's death. Unsurprisingly, he knew Rebecca from the theater world, and bowed his head in sadness and honor for my grief. He let me take the pass/fail option for the class to save myself from lowering my GPA-- a nice gesture, I embarrassingly accepted.

After that semester, I had to withdraw from school. I ended up taking 2 classes that I enjoyed at the local community college: art history and intro to poetry. I then found yoga! My teacher, Carrie had lost a girlfriend who had been like a sister to her-- and she helped me through the initial phases of my grief by introducing me to restorative yoga. She told me that yogis going through grief often turn their practice into a restorative one when grieving a deep loss. I practiced that form of yoga everyday for almost 9 months. On October 31st, 2001, the day of Rebecca's one year anniversary (my last semester at Geneseo), my family planned a letting go ceremony for Rebecca at our childhood home. We invited her high school friends, their family, and our extended family members. I awoke on this day and felt heavy and dismal. It seemed like I was carrying the weight of entire in my family's grief. I was supposed to meet my family at the IHOP for a breakfast to start off the day. It was a struggle to get there. But I remember romping around the parking lot and into a costume shop, embracing the playful, nymph-like spirit of Rebecca. "She wouldn't want us to be upset today. She'd want us to celebrate," I told my family. And so we went into a costume shop and took silly photos wearing silly things and made a masquerade of it. I had the Rebecca-inspired idea of having everyone dress-up that night. So I called all her friends and told them to come in costume. And they did!

Restorative Yoga
However, after the breakfast-- there were a few hours before the ceremony. I decided to put myself into a heart-opening restorative pose: fish pose with butterfly, where your upper body and head are supported by a bolster, with legs bent in butterfly--feet together, knees supported by rolled up blankets or pillows. A strap can be used to wrap around the feet to increase the hip-flexor stretch-- releasing deep tension from the hips-- where we store our anger. The arms are extended out at a 45 degree angle (resting on folded blankets if the chest muscle is tight) with palms up to receive energy, creating a nice gentle chest opening.

This posture can release deep grief. And that day it did. This is one of those days that stands out in my 10 years of yoga practice. 20 or so minutes in this posture led to a point where my chest opened like a bubble, and the breath released, sending the energy all along my spine and out through the crown of my head. I turned over on my side and started laughing. A joy welled up from within me that made me forget all that pain. I released it! I came into union with the NOW.

I remember Rebecca's slogan before her death was BE HERE NOW. Ram Dass wrote a book with that title that inspired that slogan in her. She must have known her time was short. But do we ever really know?!!

In yoga school, our sutras teacher asked us, "What was your most meaningful moment on the mat?" I told of this one-- and you know what he said?--"You experienced yoga: union with the moment. You left your suffering of the past for the present, where no suffering exists." And so I did.

I went to the ceremony glowing. I spent a while painting my face with fake sparkly tears on one side and smiling eyes on the other. I donned myself as a clown in vintage garb. I felt playful and open and free. AND-- everyone noticed. "What happened to you?", my parents asked me as soon as I skipped in the door. "I dunno, I just did yoga," I said airily, smiling at all my sister's high school friends.

That night, I became a yogini. I realized the depth of power in simple practice. That night, I learned to grieve properly: to allow, to feel, to breathe, and to release--creating space for the eternal NOW-- that is constantly in flux and endlessly in mellifluous motion.

Dreams...
I dream of a world where people allow themselves to grieve properly. This world involves proper ritual: song and dance, tears and laughter, joy and pain-- all in harmony with the rhythms within ourselves and with the external-- the earth and the sentient beings upon it and around it.

There is truly a mystical element to death-- one that our human self may never fully understand-- but one that it has the capacity to receive, if given the space to breathe it in and feel it's power. And yoga is one such method to embrace the ongoing dance of life and death.

And, this is my true purpose and passion: to bridge that veil between life and death.

(WOW! As a writer, healer and teacher, it feels that I've opened up the Pandora's box within myself-- a mystical, mythical world that exists in the mundane, the everyday. Where I will go with this-- I do not yet know. My heart skips a beat as I say this and type it. It's all about existing in truth-- and honoring the instincts I feel that are so powerful inside of me...)

What exists within you that is instinctual, raw, and organic-- that if you unleash it, that Pandora's Box will send your head and heart spinning?...

On doing things backwards...

When I started to crawl, I went backwards first. My mother questioned my sanity. But then I crawled forwards and I think my mother heaved a big sigh of relief! The next thing was walking. And that took me awhile!

I'm realizing lately that I like taking this slowly-- being cautious about choices-- in a rather impulsive way. This is my nature. Does it make sense? Well, I could use my Gemini moon to explain things-- to say I have two heads and both have different views on things--which leads to lots of confusion and befuddled, often muddied choices. BUT, in the end, things work out as they're supposed to, and everything appears tidy (for the most part) despite a bit of chaos in between.

So, I recently tried to apply for Americorps positions in Oregon-- the place my heart and soul yearns for! The positions didn't pan out. Bummer. However, my dislike for anything that feels "jobbish" is stronger than my love of Oregon. It was actually a blessing in disguise that is leaving me to face my truest love: self-employment. I have tried on 2 separate occasions to start-up my business, Inner Bloom Yoga, in Rochester-- and both times got scared at the feeling of getting "settled" in a place I've had a love/hate relationship with all my life. So, recently, I've decided to go full force. The stars have kept me here for now, and I'm working with all of my inner resources to make my self-employment dream a reality!

It's exciting, yet terrifyingly enlightening at the same time-- opening me up to hidden doors that lead to unexplored rooms within myself. These are rooms I've been waiting to discover, and now that I am, I'm not quite sure what to do with them!

Being self-employed takes a lot of inner resolve and faith. I'm re-embracing my spirituality in a new way. I think I began to doubt myself and question my spirituality before I went to Korea. I didn't trust my ability to support myself (although the economy did go to pot while I was away), so I sought out employment with a paid apartment in a foreign land where I knew I'd have job security and health insurance for at least a year. However, this "security" came with long working hours and unpaid overtime-- and involved living in a very polluted city where very few people spoke English. That nearly year-long learning experience taught me that I DO want to be self-employed-- more than anything in fact.

Right now, I'm not seeking marriage with a partner, but with my passion: supporting myself as a single woman doing what she loves!

What fears do you have about marrying your passions?

Remembering the time!

Oh, how Micheal Jackson's recent death has sent my head and heart spinning back to my childhood, early teen years and time in South Korea. I had a Facebook chat today with a male friend of mine in Oregon-- someone whom I've only known in cyberland--as we have mutual friends and interests. The matrix of cyber connection (hence, this blog being a string in that web of connection) can carry us to places and people we would never know otherwise. This friend recently commented on a Micheal Jackson link I put up-- and I thought upon reading it, "Have I ever even physically met this person?". So, being the bold lady that I am, I sent him a message asking him such, to which he replied, "No, we have not met--and we connected through Myspace [when I had an account there!]. But I think we have mutual friends in common."-- to which I discovered we have one. This is someone I almost went on a blind date with, but didn't and now we're engaging in hour long online chats and perusing each others' travel pictures. How interesting cyberland is.

It's almost like Neverland--but without the rides and cotton candy. I'm finding a sense of play and maintaining friendships across the globe with daily chats and Facebook check-ups that keep my mind connected to the happenings of all of those I've engaged with in a long-term intimate, and short-term superficial way.

I hear my mother saying "You never know how you're going to meet that special someone. One day, he'll just pop up out of nowhere--when you're not looking." And what used to mean physical "pop-ups" can now be a cyber pop-up-- like a random guy from Oregon that starts a chat with me. The possibilities for meeting someone with cyberland now seem endless. And the impossible is less likely.

I'm constantly fascinated--and sometimes disgusted by technology. When it is available, it is all consuming. Thus, I find myself seeking respite from "the matrix of the word wide web" by going to remote places for a period of time where I know I won't have access to it. When I was in Thailand recently for a month, I chose not to get a cellphone, even though they were very cheap there. My friends there were constantly nagging me about not having one-- because we had to setup meeting dates the old-fashioned way-- by planning a time to meet the next day and being there! Strangely enough, I felt like I was 8 years old again meeting up with my neighborhood friends. And if we didn't plan, then someone would show-up at my doorstep at just the right time. It was romantic to live that way again and remind myself that life is simple and easy and that humans are in tune with each other without Twitter texts or Facebook updates.

However, the cyber-age doesn't need to be discounted either. I mean I was able to order my plane ticket back to the states and plan my trip within a day-- as well as talk to family via Skype for free!

It's the Middle Way-- the way the Buddha lived--that seems to be the key to happiness for most of us.

So... my question....

What is your middle way? And what ways do you feel your soul has gone astray???

<3>

So close...!

So, I have been in love with a younger fellow for quite sometime now. We lived together, worked together, ate together and shared a bed together in South Korea. We were neighbors-- he lived on the 1st floor and I on the 5th--who became friends that had an affinity for each other. The tension in that friendship was strong, and soon (a bit painfully from my side of it) bloomed into a relationship of sorts, without being deemed one by the two of us. Coworkers saw that we were a couple-- but the feelings that existed between us didn't make us want to jump into it--because they were so strong--and he being 24 and me being 30...well..

I'm sure many a good relationship have survived the age thing. But when you're a woman who wants to have children soon...and settle down and raise a family in, let's say OREGON...then the age thing does matter, does it not? He's not there. Not ready for a family yet. Can't even pay his bills, in fact. Well, mostly because he owns a condo in Boston that he's paying for while in Korea. =) Ah, love. It does make the heart grow, that's one thing I know.

I can love until I can't love no more, but somebody's gotta put food on the table and pay the rent!

Oh, the endless, ageless quandary: the "love" between us feels so right, but the reality of it is so not. THIS is what has sent my head spinning recently. So, I am going to do something bold: wait and see what happens.

I do believe in the magic of love in all its many forms and manifestations. I wonder what magic will come of this?!

Question:

Tell me of your "oh so wrong" Love and how the Universe made it "so right"!

I don't know anymore!

So why am I writing this blog only for women?
Can't men take part too?
What is the difference between the sexes that makes everything seem so gender-fied?

Well, I'm not going to get into a long debate on that right now. Actually, I miss all your input!

So please, if you're reading this entry, respond via the blog or email-- with at least one word: love, ick, fantabulous~!, word!-- whatever flows from your heart! k? Can you do that? For me?

I don't just want to banter about the musings and mishaps of my everyday life. I want YOU, the reader, to speak-- to sing-- to spell out your meandering mind and heart for myself and others to enjoy!

The endless mutterings of the heart make me feel topsy turvy sometimes. In one day, I can experience a myriad of miniscule...and grandiose emotions! In one hour, I can feel the heartbeat of the Universe within the framework of conversations with co-workers, second language students, and my own heart and mind!

I just want to connect with people in a heartfelt way. I want to bring voices and grunts and bumps and chums together in a whirlishly dervish way.

How can this be done?

Well, I used to think it had to be done by going against the grain-- by defying all societal norms and forging my OWN path! This forging meant: no 9-5 job, no insurance, no wedding, no college degree (even though I'd already obtained one).

So... have I "grown up", have I "caved to the norm"-- the liminal way of being? Or have I just found that the heart blooms in simplicity. Basic survival ain't as easy as it used to be! We aren't in tribes hunting and gathering to survive. In that lifestyle, people have their place with greater ease. Some hunt, some gather, some cook-- and there's at least one medicine man or woman. But now there is SO much possibility-- that it can take humans their whole lives to find where their true heart's simplicity lies.

Stories like The Alchemist speak to so many because they are words people are thirsty for. It is not about "getting somewhere"-- but about being where you are. Ha! Plain and simple, isn't it?

Maybe it's just that that long journey in my 20s has come to an end and I'm reaping the benefits of some great reward: complacency and a sense of self and purpose-- even though I don't know what that purpose is half of the time!

I'm not so extremist anymore.

My spiritual journey began when I was 13... and going through a dark period, also referred to as puberty! During this time, a spiritual counselor took me under her wing and shed light on my dark corners, allowing me to begin a 15 plus year journey of self-discovery.

I was just discussing with my closest friend here today how grateful I am I came to Asia. Both he and I have learned a lot from this country and our unique relationship with each other. I have literally delved into the depths of my passions for love, sex and relationships. I've discovered that wherever I go, I will build close, long-lasting friendships-- particularly sister-friends-- that motivate and inspire me to live out my heart's deepest dreams.

Some of the dreams I came here with have been fulfilled in unexpected ways. I originally wanted to go to Thailand, to discover myself in a yogic way and write, dream and envision the life I've always wanted to live. I went there for only a week, on a last minute vacation inspired by this male friend. It was a solo journey that led me deeper into myself and farther away from the extremist end of the yogic pendulum on which I'd been swinging. I stayed in a yoga community and had a drug, alcohol and sex-free break... where I delved into the Agama yoga-style way of living. It felt comfortable, but was lonely. I realized how much I missed the company of a lover or close friend-- especially at night.

Thus, I again went on a spontaneous island vacation last week to Boracay in the Philippines. This time, I went with 3 co-workers. The 2 girls and I grew very close and spent the majority of the time together. I felt fulfilled the whole vacation and wasn't missing something like I was in Thailand. This vacation was literally the opposite of my other. More of a sex, drugs and rock and roll adventure-- with a bit of yoga thrown in there.

In all this, I have realized that what I have explored thus far has been different aspects of my self... and suddenly they have all blended into one glorious mosaic of bliss!

Oh, and I met a lovely man named Michael on this vacation. He's British, 34, and into yoga and meditation. Our meeting was rather romantic-- just the type I would write in my story where I met "the one". My 2 girlfriends, who are like sisters to each other, were bickering about staying or going that night out dancing and bar hopping on the beach. And while they were doing so, I decided to wade in the ocean and look up at the stars. As I was doing so, my eyes caught gazes with a handsome dark haired man, just standing softly, drinking a Philippino beer and gazing at the stars as well. At that moment, I wished up to the stars for someone to love and love me back equally, in a harmonious and effortless way. Moments later, my girlfriends stopped bickering and ran to tell me with smiles on their faces they wanted to stay and dance at the bar by the water. I said "Okay" and took one more glance at this handsome man who was doing the same to me. At that moment, the most outgoing of the girls grabbed his hand and introduced herself. She then mumbled to me-- "This one's for you"-- and the girls ran off into the bar, leaving the two of us to enjoy the night.

The night led into 2 days of enjoyment, and then he had to fly back home.

But man, sex and love aside-- something else has blossomed inside of me lately: asking for what I want and allowing myself to receive it-- especially in relationship with other.

My desires for life at this point are basic: to marry, have children (something I've fought for a long, long time!) and write a book or two. I like to garden, do yoga, write, socialize with close girlfriends and have an intimate lover--and eventually a life partner. That's it. Where I'll end up living I leave up to the best possible outcome for my own happiness. I've realized that different places in the world do have different vibes-- and influence me in different ways.

Overall, I feel the sense of relief and release I've been waiting for all of my life! I feel settled into myself. And I'm happy. There, I said it: I'm happy! ;)



Questions:

What makes you happy?
What is your bliss?
What do you feel you miss?

xo
sarah <3>