On giving Love...

So...the most intimate lover we will ever have is our own self. And my life has been an endless play with this intimacy as the main role--sometimes acting as the protagonist, sometimes the seeming antagonist. Either way, having my "self" as my own lover is the most frustrating aspect of existence.
IS it possible to meet our own needs all of the time? Within the course of a day, I have many desires--and not all of them can be met. And I'm not talking about the instant gratification of a quick-fix. I'm talking about the desire to have intimacy, or a good meal with friends, or a fine wine and some good chocolate.
I began to live the words, carpe diem, 8 years ago, when my sister Rebecca died suddenly from an ecstasy induced grande mal seizure. My sister was 18 months younger than me, and we were best friends during our 1st 5 years of life. Unfortunately, we suffered through sibling rivarly for the next 15 years of our lives. It wasn't until I went to college and moved away that I began to appreciate our relationship and begin to foster a new friendship with her. We were just beginning to dive deeper into the rekindling of our childhood comraderie, when she suddenly died on Halloween, 2000 at the age of 20. This has been a core part of my story that has shaped my own intimate relationship with who I am as a human being. We all have tragedy that has befallen us in our lives. This was my biggest tragedy and my biggest blessing at the same time.

To have a sudden death of a loved one that is younger than you is a shock than can't be imagined... only experienced, in its epic intensity. From this dramatic moment, I was re-born. All of my past suffering seemed trivial in the face of seeing life as a SHORT and PRECIOUS gift to be appreciated NOW! Rebecca's motto before she died was Here and Now. I didn't understand her obsession with these simple words until her body was gone from this earth.

All the poets of all the ages have merely glazed upon the surface of the delicacy of life. This is why I write--and yearn to express mere tidbits of the overwhelming passion I feeling in my heart for all of life. It comes out in little bubbles everywhere I go. But only in bubbles. And perhaps this is where this frustration with being intimate with myself--with learning to make love to not my mind and body, but to the deeper core of who I am--becomes such a frustrating feat-- because I am only experiencing pieces of this deep intimacy.

I wonder what it would be like to DIVE IN and swim in the oceans of my own love?

I have been learning through the living of it. I am enjoying the wine and good chocolate today instead of tomorrow, because I can, and because I have molded a lifestyle for myself where I can afford such treats.

I am engaging in the intimacy with a lover--just experiencing the beauty of it today, without attaching to what will happen tomorrow or next