Women in Love...

D.H. Lawrence got into the mind and heart of women. A true writer is merely an observer of the human spirit.

In our core, we are all mere observers of ourselves, those around us, and all the living and breathing entities that make up this organism called life.

In my continued dedication to the passion and romance that makes up the crux of my existence, I often ponder the matters of the heart-- the yearnings and burnings that go through me moment to moment.

Right now, I am not in a "relationship": meaning, I don't have someone to call "my partner." And honestly, I don't think my psyche could handle that right now. Yet my mind toys with the idea of having a parter-- for life-- on and off again daily. My heart still feels shy with this idea, hence, it doesn't exist in my reality right now. Though the urges are growing deeper, longer and stronger to have a "boyfriend" that will be around for the long-term. I'm going to admit, however, that I've been bi-curious for the past several years of my life. I briefly dated a woman in Oregon, and have kissed a few here and there--and just don't want to be without that possibility in my near future either. Interestingly enough (and not surprising)-- most guys I've dated have found it "hot" that I am interested in hooking up with women, and are hoping I'll let them join in. Ha! I find that rather comical.
When I was in my last relationship, I went out for a night on the town with two of friends: a gay male friend and a bi female friend. We all called ourselves the Queer Club. I asked my girlfriend if it would be cheating on my boyfriend if I kissed another girl. Both of my friends immediately replied "Yes!". But I honestly wasn't sure.

And why am I not sure?

I don't feel comfortable being completely feminine. I'm uncomfortable with the attention I get from males (and females) when I put a lot of effort into how I look--i.e. take my glasses off and put on what Amy Winehouse sings-- my "Fuck-me Pumps".
I like dressing a bit asexual. I like flirting with the idea of being intimate with both of the sexes. Does this mean I am "bi"? Am I coming out in this blog?

I have been too scared to say I'm interested in women and men on Facebook. So I said nothing-- leaving it open to the imagination of others--and leaving the truth to those that know me well.

I think it's healthy to admit to being a bit bisexual. When guy friends totally deny any attraction to the same sex (except for Brad Pitt), I question their honesty. My ex admitted to kissing his best friend once, and that made me respect him more. He was open, honest, and in tune with the natural rhythmn of human sexuality.

We are all attracted to each other on different levels. I don't necessarily see myself settling down with a female partner, though if I discount the idea, I'd be cheating my heart out of it's full capacity to love and be open to its best possible match.

When I was in Portland recently, heading off to the airport to South Korea with my good looking male friend, I was approached by a woman who was sending me the vibes-- and I felt a pang of wonder. I was very attracted to my guy friend, and it felt couplish when we were out and about together, with him helping me carry my luggage and being the last person to see me off in the states. Yet, my brief encounter with this woman made me aware of what I was missing and perhaps denying myself in the realms of love.

And so, I wonder: will it be a he or a she? Is this just intellectual pondering, or is my heart truly yearning to have a female lover?

The final song sung in this choir is the flower that bloomed within me when I was intimate with a woman many years ago. I felt a wholeness-- like I'd finally bloomed in a sexual, spiritual and human way. It was the icing on the cake of my sexual yearnings...that left me wondering.

And I continue to wonder. Wondering is the best seasoning in this life.