We all have desires and dreams to live a happy and fulfilling life. One of the biggest challenges in my own path to happiness and fulfillment has been in the realm of relationship. A conversation with a sister-friend today has reminded me how I have just settled for whatever is the easiest, most convenient relationship, even if all my needs are not being met.
I have 2 very close friends here: one male and one female. My history with heterosexual friendships with males has always been a bit foggy. There has always been a sexual tension factor that has been stronger for one of us. Right now, the male friend that I have has become a pseudo-romantic relationship. It's probably better to label it a friendship with benefits... though even that is an inappropriate label. If an outsider looks at our relationship-- he or she would say we are dating. He has an extra toothbrush and contact case in my bathroom, sleeps in my bed almost every night, we make dinner together, cuddle on our bus ride to school, and spend most of our free time hanging out with each other. At first, it was fun, and my needs for physical and emotional intimacy were being met in ways they hadn't since I ended my last relationship almost a year ago. But after a few months of this type of "friendship", my mind and heart are yearning for commitment--to which he tells me he can't offer me.
After I broke up with my 1st love, I fell into such friendships on and off again, feeling partially fulfilled but deeply longing for a more compatible partner who wanted similar things. I thought I'd found that in my fiance last year in New Mexico, until we realized our dreams for the future were very different.
I think part of the path of commitment is realizing what is important to our own hearts--and taking a detailed inventory of our own needs, wants and desires for our lives. Now this doesn't mean we can't fall into love with someone, which is what happened to me when this male friend came into my life-- but it does mean we still have a choice to make in regards to how we respond to that love.
I must admit, I am feeling unfulfilled in the realm of this undefined or unrelationship relationship I am in right now. This friend has been put into my life to remind me of what I really want and speak it clearly and consciously to myself. I have been scared of commitment all of my life-- up until recently. I was able to tell him what I wanted: someone to commit to me, to call me their girlfriend, just as I would call him my boyfriend. I want to be in harmony with myself, by doing the things I love and allowing my boyfriend to do the same, all the while knowing our love and bond is strong enough to support our own independent journeys, which ultimately bring us back to each other, to dance in harmony and celebrate together our own uniqueness .
Being in another country is not easy. I miss my close friends and family that I've grown to build a loving bond with all these years. I want to have that close-knit feel, which my close friendships here have provided for me-- a sense of family--that tribal feeling of belonging and unconditional acceptance and love. That is what I always seek and find wherever I go. Though my heart and mind have longed for that one person to come home to and share with on a daily basis my own journey, just as he does his. I am beginning to understand the nature of dancing together, as separate beings with different roles and purposes--holding between us the intention of partnership and sharing that goes beyond pure ease--and into the realm of choosing.
I think we have all, as my girlfriend said, settled at some point for intimacy that fulfills us only to a certain point. I know "the experts" also recommend taking a deep self-reflective space period after a break-up to let those unmet needs float to the surface. I have found that all intimate relationships, be they friendships, family or lovers, are the best mirrors in which to see the faces we have been ignoring-- the deep unbloomed flowers that we have failed to water due to our own fears of looking deeply within.
Timing is the other word that many people use when they speak of meeting that special someone--the right relationship for you. For some this happens very young, for others, it takes a lifetime to water and nurture to full bloom. Another friend recently told me "Life has its own design". And indeed, it does.
I have embraced the words patience, trust and love this past year in a new way. It's almost like being pregnant with oneself, and learning to feed those extra needs in a very careful way. The delicacy it takes to care for ourselves is perhaps equivalent to the artistry with which one cares for a bonsai tree-- to be constantly vigilant and tender-- to water, and prune and love it like it is your purpose in life. After all, our main purpose is to care for and water our own selves-- and from that nurturing, we can water the rest of the world.
My dear friend told me to make a list of what I came here to do-- and the needs I feel are being met, and those that aren't. I'm not sure I can do this all in one sitting, after all, that why life is setup the way it is-- so that we can, as Rilke says live the answers.
I don't think we are ever totally "alone". Our own self is such a full pallete of colors and questions, it literally takes a lifetime to unravel and explore. I also don't think we can ever feel completely "settled" in anything. It is human nature to want, to create, to manifest and to try something new. But I am coming to know that we can truly get what we ask for in relationship if we know exactly what we are asking. I think life partnership is one of the greatest gifts and challenges to humans-- and we would be lying to ourselves if we didn't say we wanted some sort of partnership. Even if your desire is to be a hermit or a nun, you are still devoting yourself to a relationship with God. All of my spiritual exploration has led me to see the simplicity of all of life. All we truly want is to love and to be loved. Yet, why is this task so enormous and complex in its simplicity???
Everything we need to water our own gardens is always lying right in front of us. Right now, I am embracing the courage (another new concept I'm coming to understand) to see it and accept it with the eyes of true love. For, ultimately, our greatest lover is and always will be our own self. But it's fun to share that with another. And so I choose to open myself to that possibility fully and completely.
There is no greater love than love.
My question to you all is:
What are your needs in relationship? Are they being met?
<3
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Friday, October 31, 2008
Back in the spiritual saddle again...
To decide to live in an urban jungle ripe with an exploding population and thousands upon thousands of people crammed in concrete high-rise apartment buildings, was not an easy decision to make. I came to South Korea wanting to make money, have a new cultural experience, and take a breather from things. Well, I got a breath of something-- polluted, smoggy, sometimes ultra-foggy air.
But... one can find the living, breathing organism of life in every part of existence. Hence, my spirituality is being re-constructed out of concrete and Samsung products. I am feeling more and more alive here and have just connected with a yoga community of the heart that resonates with my spiritual yearning self.
However, I must admit, that I miss the greenery of the states, and the wild-untouched nature of Lama mountain in New Mexico. Oregon has been beckoning me the most-- with its abundance of forests, mountains and beaches so close by. I worship the wonders of nature and on my way to the grocery store last night, was pulled in my the trees in the park near my house. Hiking is very popular here among the middle-aged Koreans, and so there was a nicely worn hiking trail in the grass, just between the adolescent aged trees along the length of the city-long park. It was renewing just to walk amongst the trees, to hear the cicadas still singing, even at the onset of the crispness of fall. I felt like I was in the woods for a bit, and was oblivious to the cars and the neon lights but a road's width away.
It's amazing how close by everything we need is. It's luscious not to have to go anywhere for anything...but instead let it come to us. And so I learn. Life is not a struggle, but a stream that we are merely meant to float in like a leaf that falls off from the tree-- being taken to the next river bank, where we will soak back into the soil, giving it the fertilizer to grow another seedling and feed this organism called life once more.
I am endlessly in pursuit of love. And romantic love is but a mere speck in the scope of this love that I talk about. Though I don't discount the value of romance, for I am a hopeless romantic in my soul's core. I have been "hooking-up" with a friend and a week or so ago, it got to the point where we both felt it was very relationship like, and we both admitted that was not something we could handle right now, psychologically. Hence, the steam was released, and we went right back to where we had been before, but with a new perception--with clearer eyes.
A few days ago, I had a conversation with my auntie in the states, who was SO full of positive energy and good advice, that it altered my perception in an even more positive way. It's always been difficult for me not to associate intimacy with a relationship of some sort. But my recent conversations have reminded me that I am always in a relationship with my intimacy. That being intimate with another is merely being intimate with your own self. That love is but a heartbeat away-- always. And nothing is to be talked about without first being lived and experienced.
My auntie also reminded me of the importance of positive thinking and affirmation. Words like "I am loved", "I deserve love", "I trust", and "I am safe" are wonderful mantras to say to oneself when thoughts of doubt or fear creep in. AND, it's amazing how my mind and heart shifted in relation to this friend. It put a soft blanket over the doubt and uncertainty surrounding my heart's desire for a permanence or sense of long-term security-- a binding contract of sorts-- in the realms of romantic love.
If I've learned anything this year, being engaged, and after my sister's death, it's that love is a fleeting and fickle thing. Someone can be here physically and then gone the next moment or day, without warning. Now, I don't think the human psyche can eve get used to this in totality, but I do think that it is possible to grow in love with the fleeting nature of human to human relationships. I think that is part of what I am teaching myself as I move from place to place, and now country to country. I remember that the true solace is always within my own heart and mind.
However, there are heart-friends that I will always be connected with, whether they're on this earth plane or have crossed over into the spirit realm.
It is when I remember the simple miracle of what it is to be a leaf floating effortlessly down the stream of existence, that I feel that ever-presence of what one can call spirituality, or mere belief in the heart. It's what Taoism calls the wu wei, or embracing living without effort, simply with love. And so it be.
But... one can find the living, breathing organism of life in every part of existence. Hence, my spirituality is being re-constructed out of concrete and Samsung products. I am feeling more and more alive here and have just connected with a yoga community of the heart that resonates with my spiritual yearning self.
However, I must admit, that I miss the greenery of the states, and the wild-untouched nature of Lama mountain in New Mexico. Oregon has been beckoning me the most-- with its abundance of forests, mountains and beaches so close by. I worship the wonders of nature and on my way to the grocery store last night, was pulled in my the trees in the park near my house. Hiking is very popular here among the middle-aged Koreans, and so there was a nicely worn hiking trail in the grass, just between the adolescent aged trees along the length of the city-long park. It was renewing just to walk amongst the trees, to hear the cicadas still singing, even at the onset of the crispness of fall. I felt like I was in the woods for a bit, and was oblivious to the cars and the neon lights but a road's width away.
It's amazing how close by everything we need is. It's luscious not to have to go anywhere for anything...but instead let it come to us. And so I learn. Life is not a struggle, but a stream that we are merely meant to float in like a leaf that falls off from the tree-- being taken to the next river bank, where we will soak back into the soil, giving it the fertilizer to grow another seedling and feed this organism called life once more.
I am endlessly in pursuit of love. And romantic love is but a mere speck in the scope of this love that I talk about. Though I don't discount the value of romance, for I am a hopeless romantic in my soul's core. I have been "hooking-up" with a friend and a week or so ago, it got to the point where we both felt it was very relationship like, and we both admitted that was not something we could handle right now, psychologically. Hence, the steam was released, and we went right back to where we had been before, but with a new perception--with clearer eyes.
A few days ago, I had a conversation with my auntie in the states, who was SO full of positive energy and good advice, that it altered my perception in an even more positive way. It's always been difficult for me not to associate intimacy with a relationship of some sort. But my recent conversations have reminded me that I am always in a relationship with my intimacy. That being intimate with another is merely being intimate with your own self. That love is but a heartbeat away-- always. And nothing is to be talked about without first being lived and experienced.
My auntie also reminded me of the importance of positive thinking and affirmation. Words like "I am loved", "I deserve love", "I trust", and "I am safe" are wonderful mantras to say to oneself when thoughts of doubt or fear creep in. AND, it's amazing how my mind and heart shifted in relation to this friend. It put a soft blanket over the doubt and uncertainty surrounding my heart's desire for a permanence or sense of long-term security-- a binding contract of sorts-- in the realms of romantic love.
If I've learned anything this year, being engaged, and after my sister's death, it's that love is a fleeting and fickle thing. Someone can be here physically and then gone the next moment or day, without warning. Now, I don't think the human psyche can eve get used to this in totality, but I do think that it is possible to grow in love with the fleeting nature of human to human relationships. I think that is part of what I am teaching myself as I move from place to place, and now country to country. I remember that the true solace is always within my own heart and mind.
However, there are heart-friends that I will always be connected with, whether they're on this earth plane or have crossed over into the spirit realm.
It is when I remember the simple miracle of what it is to be a leaf floating effortlessly down the stream of existence, that I feel that ever-presence of what one can call spirituality, or mere belief in the heart. It's what Taoism calls the wu wei, or embracing living without effort, simply with love. And so it be.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Women in Love...
D.H. Lawrence got into the mind and heart of women. A true writer is merely an observer of the human spirit.
In our core, we are all mere observers of ourselves, those around us, and all the living and breathing entities that make up this organism called life.
In my continued dedication to the passion and romance that makes up the crux of my existence, I often ponder the matters of the heart-- the yearnings and burnings that go through me moment to moment.
Right now, I am not in a "relationship": meaning, I don't have someone to call "my partner." And honestly, I don't think my psyche could handle that right now. Yet my mind toys with the idea of having a parter-- for life-- on and off again daily. My heart still feels shy with this idea, hence, it doesn't exist in my reality right now. Though the urges are growing deeper, longer and stronger to have a "boyfriend" that will be around for the long-term. I'm going to admit, however, that I've been bi-curious for the past several years of my life. I briefly dated a woman in Oregon, and have kissed a few here and there--and just don't want to be without that possibility in my near future either. Interestingly enough (and not surprising)-- most guys I've dated have found it "hot" that I am interested in hooking up with women, and are hoping I'll let them join in. Ha! I find that rather comical.
When I was in my last relationship, I went out for a night on the town with two of friends: a gay male friend and a bi female friend. We all called ourselves the Queer Club. I asked my girlfriend if it would be cheating on my boyfriend if I kissed another girl. Both of my friends immediately replied "Yes!". But I honestly wasn't sure.
And why am I not sure?
I don't feel comfortable being completely feminine. I'm uncomfortable with the attention I get from males (and females) when I put a lot of effort into how I look--i.e. take my glasses off and put on what Amy Winehouse sings-- my "Fuck-me Pumps".
I like dressing a bit asexual. I like flirting with the idea of being intimate with both of the sexes. Does this mean I am "bi"? Am I coming out in this blog?
I have been too scared to say I'm interested in women and men on Facebook. So I said nothing-- leaving it open to the imagination of others--and leaving the truth to those that know me well.
I think it's healthy to admit to being a bit bisexual. When guy friends totally deny any attraction to the same sex (except for Brad Pitt), I question their honesty. My ex admitted to kissing his best friend once, and that made me respect him more. He was open, honest, and in tune with the natural rhythmn of human sexuality.
We are all attracted to each other on different levels. I don't necessarily see myself settling down with a female partner, though if I discount the idea, I'd be cheating my heart out of it's full capacity to love and be open to its best possible match.
When I was in Portland recently, heading off to the airport to South Korea with my good looking male friend, I was approached by a woman who was sending me the vibes-- and I felt a pang of wonder. I was very attracted to my guy friend, and it felt couplish when we were out and about together, with him helping me carry my luggage and being the last person to see me off in the states. Yet, my brief encounter with this woman made me aware of what I was missing and perhaps denying myself in the realms of love.
And so, I wonder: will it be a he or a she? Is this just intellectual pondering, or is my heart truly yearning to have a female lover?
The final song sung in this choir is the flower that bloomed within me when I was intimate with a woman many years ago. I felt a wholeness-- like I'd finally bloomed in a sexual, spiritual and human way. It was the icing on the cake of my sexual yearnings...that left me wondering.
And I continue to wonder. Wondering is the best seasoning in this life.
In our core, we are all mere observers of ourselves, those around us, and all the living and breathing entities that make up this organism called life.
In my continued dedication to the passion and romance that makes up the crux of my existence, I often ponder the matters of the heart-- the yearnings and burnings that go through me moment to moment.
Right now, I am not in a "relationship": meaning, I don't have someone to call "my partner." And honestly, I don't think my psyche could handle that right now. Yet my mind toys with the idea of having a parter-- for life-- on and off again daily. My heart still feels shy with this idea, hence, it doesn't exist in my reality right now. Though the urges are growing deeper, longer and stronger to have a "boyfriend" that will be around for the long-term. I'm going to admit, however, that I've been bi-curious for the past several years of my life. I briefly dated a woman in Oregon, and have kissed a few here and there--and just don't want to be without that possibility in my near future either. Interestingly enough (and not surprising)-- most guys I've dated have found it "hot" that I am interested in hooking up with women, and are hoping I'll let them join in. Ha! I find that rather comical.
When I was in my last relationship, I went out for a night on the town with two of friends: a gay male friend and a bi female friend. We all called ourselves the Queer Club. I asked my girlfriend if it would be cheating on my boyfriend if I kissed another girl. Both of my friends immediately replied "Yes!". But I honestly wasn't sure.
And why am I not sure?
I don't feel comfortable being completely feminine. I'm uncomfortable with the attention I get from males (and females) when I put a lot of effort into how I look--i.e. take my glasses off and put on what Amy Winehouse sings-- my "Fuck-me Pumps".
I like dressing a bit asexual. I like flirting with the idea of being intimate with both of the sexes. Does this mean I am "bi"? Am I coming out in this blog?
I have been too scared to say I'm interested in women and men on Facebook. So I said nothing-- leaving it open to the imagination of others--and leaving the truth to those that know me well.
I think it's healthy to admit to being a bit bisexual. When guy friends totally deny any attraction to the same sex (except for Brad Pitt), I question their honesty. My ex admitted to kissing his best friend once, and that made me respect him more. He was open, honest, and in tune with the natural rhythmn of human sexuality.
We are all attracted to each other on different levels. I don't necessarily see myself settling down with a female partner, though if I discount the idea, I'd be cheating my heart out of it's full capacity to love and be open to its best possible match.
When I was in Portland recently, heading off to the airport to South Korea with my good looking male friend, I was approached by a woman who was sending me the vibes-- and I felt a pang of wonder. I was very attracted to my guy friend, and it felt couplish when we were out and about together, with him helping me carry my luggage and being the last person to see me off in the states. Yet, my brief encounter with this woman made me aware of what I was missing and perhaps denying myself in the realms of love.
And so, I wonder: will it be a he or a she? Is this just intellectual pondering, or is my heart truly yearning to have a female lover?
The final song sung in this choir is the flower that bloomed within me when I was intimate with a woman many years ago. I felt a wholeness-- like I'd finally bloomed in a sexual, spiritual and human way. It was the icing on the cake of my sexual yearnings...that left me wondering.
And I continue to wonder. Wondering is the best seasoning in this life.
Friday, October 24, 2008
On giving Love...
So...the most intimate lover we will ever have is our own self. And my life has been an endless play with this intimacy as the main role--sometimes acting as the protagonist, sometimes the seeming antagonist. Either way, having my "self" as my own lover is the most frustrating aspect of existence.
IS it possible to meet our own needs all of the time? Within the course of a day, I have many desires--and not all of them can be met. And I'm not talking about the instant gratification of a quick-fix. I'm talking about the desire to have intimacy, or a good meal with friends, or a fine wine and some good chocolate.
I began to live the words, carpe diem, 8 years ago, when my sister Rebecca died suddenly from an ecstasy induced grande mal seizure. My sister was 18 months younger than me, and we were best friends during our 1st 5 years of life. Unfortunately, we suffered through sibling rivarly for the next 15 years of our lives. It wasn't until I went to college and moved away that I began to appreciate our relationship and begin to foster a new friendship with her. We were just beginning to dive deeper into the rekindling of our childhood comraderie, when she suddenly died on Halloween, 2000 at the age of 20. This has been a core part of my story that has shaped my own intimate relationship with who I am as a human being. We all have tragedy that has befallen us in our lives. This was my biggest tragedy and my biggest blessing at the same time.
To have a sudden death of a loved one that is younger than you is a shock than can't be imagined... only experienced, in its epic intensity. From this dramatic moment, I was re-born. All of my past suffering seemed trivial in the face of seeing life as a SHORT and PRECIOUS gift to be appreciated NOW! Rebecca's motto before she died was Here and Now. I didn't understand her obsession with these simple words until her body was gone from this earth.
All the poets of all the ages have merely glazed upon the surface of the delicacy of life. This is why I write--and yearn to express mere tidbits of the overwhelming passion I feeling in my heart for all of life. It comes out in little bubbles everywhere I go. But only in bubbles. And perhaps this is where this frustration with being intimate with myself--with learning to make love to not my mind and body, but to the deeper core of who I am--becomes such a frustrating feat-- because I am only experiencing pieces of this deep intimacy.
I wonder what it would be like to DIVE IN and swim in the oceans of my own love?
I have been learning through the living of it. I am enjoying the wine and good chocolate today instead of tomorrow, because I can, and because I have molded a lifestyle for myself where I can afford such treats.
I am engaging in the intimacy with a lover--just experiencing the beauty of it today, without attaching to what will happen tomorrow or next
IS it possible to meet our own needs all of the time? Within the course of a day, I have many desires--and not all of them can be met. And I'm not talking about the instant gratification of a quick-fix. I'm talking about the desire to have intimacy, or a good meal with friends, or a fine wine and some good chocolate.
I began to live the words, carpe diem, 8 years ago, when my sister Rebecca died suddenly from an ecstasy induced grande mal seizure. My sister was 18 months younger than me, and we were best friends during our 1st 5 years of life. Unfortunately, we suffered through sibling rivarly for the next 15 years of our lives. It wasn't until I went to college and moved away that I began to appreciate our relationship and begin to foster a new friendship with her. We were just beginning to dive deeper into the rekindling of our childhood comraderie, when she suddenly died on Halloween, 2000 at the age of 20. This has been a core part of my story that has shaped my own intimate relationship with who I am as a human being. We all have tragedy that has befallen us in our lives. This was my biggest tragedy and my biggest blessing at the same time.
To have a sudden death of a loved one that is younger than you is a shock than can't be imagined... only experienced, in its epic intensity. From this dramatic moment, I was re-born. All of my past suffering seemed trivial in the face of seeing life as a SHORT and PRECIOUS gift to be appreciated NOW! Rebecca's motto before she died was Here and Now. I didn't understand her obsession with these simple words until her body was gone from this earth.
All the poets of all the ages have merely glazed upon the surface of the delicacy of life. This is why I write--and yearn to express mere tidbits of the overwhelming passion I feeling in my heart for all of life. It comes out in little bubbles everywhere I go. But only in bubbles. And perhaps this is where this frustration with being intimate with myself--with learning to make love to not my mind and body, but to the deeper core of who I am--becomes such a frustrating feat-- because I am only experiencing pieces of this deep intimacy.
I wonder what it would be like to DIVE IN and swim in the oceans of my own love?
I have been learning through the living of it. I am enjoying the wine and good chocolate today instead of tomorrow, because I can, and because I have molded a lifestyle for myself where I can afford such treats.
I am engaging in the intimacy with a lover--just experiencing the beauty of it today, without attaching to what will happen tomorrow or next
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Intimacy... a deep look into ones own Self.
Tantric yoga is all about looking deeply into ones own mind and heart by peering into the eyes of another. This is relationship: two humans connecting, in love.
Love is not a scary thing. It is a sacred thing.
It is easy to say "I Love You" to family, to those that we connect with on an emotional level: friends and lovers that we are intimate with.
In my life, it has been easy to be In Love with people that are comfortable with love. But what of those that are scared of it? What of those that the words "I love you" have rarely been heard in their lives?
I spent my 1st 21 years being scared of "love". When someone I just met said: "I love you", it scared me. It sent me rolling into a spiral of dissolution. This is because I was uncomfortable with my own heart--with the yearnings, the burnings, the passions, the fires that triggered me deeper into an intimate union with who I really am.
We are a puzzle to our own selves. Rumi, one of my favorite Sufi poets has a poem:
Come out of the circle of time
and into the circle of love.
Upon my 1st read at this zen koan of a poem, my heart understood, though my mind was fearful to explore the depths of this brief whirlwind of a statement.
Life itself is a koan: a puzzle that is not meant to be analyzed, but felt and lived...and understood in that process.
What is it about intimacy that scares me? I have been in relationships where I've only been comfortable sharing parts of true self, because I fear really expressing who I am: a woman in love with all of life. All people intrigue me. It is perhaps the most complicated and crazy that move me most. Those that I meet and want to run away from have opened my heart the most and continue to do so.
I have been meeting people in my sojourn in Korea that have triggered this look deeper into my own heart--people that I instantly feel a love and a fear for at the same time. People that trigger me to look deeper at my own binds and restrictions--and spiral deeper into intimate union with my real self.
I have a friend here who is so open and giving with herself, and yet battles with depression. With her I have only felt love, but in her, I sense a deep yearning to be free of her own limits and restrictions-- to truly let loose and be completely in love with the goddess that she is.
I have a male friend with whom I instantly fell in love with because of his open heart and child-like nature. Through my friendship with him, I have grown more comfortable with my own innocence--embracing the feeling of being re-born each day to the newness of all that is life.
Another beautiful woman recently joined our team of teachers. She is an African American woman from Georgia--the only black woman in our all white group of foreign teachers. She is passionate and comes from a Christian Gospel background. After only our second heart to heart talk, she told me she loved me. These are words I have not been able to mumble to friends with ease right off the bat. But she admitted to me that these words come out of her when she genuinely feels an open-hearted compassion from another human being. And isn't that all intimacy really is: just being completely in love with each moment--each animal, flower, human, meal, or even the thoughts and dreams we have?
As humans, we all tend to have fears or restrictions of some sort of another. And if those restrictions aren't predominant in our lives now, then they were at some point. We have all gone through trauma of some sort or another--and no ones trauma can be measured against anothers. It is all real. It is all hurtful. And all of it has made--or is in the process of making-- our hearts grow bigger.
I love hearing peoples stories, because they are all as different and unique as our own souls. We are all made up of the same atoms, yet they form a different sort of flower in each of us. Some may appear beautiful at first sight, while some have to grow on you, like the taste of a fine wine. It takes time to acquire a taste for love in all its forms and manifestations. Everyone in my life was put there to learn something from--including...most of all...my"self".
I know it may sound narcissistic to some to say "to love your own self is to know the greatest love of all"--but this is the truth. On my journey to understanding and growing in relationship with romantic love, I have found that the greatest romance is the dance between you and your own heart and mind. They are tremendous gifts we are given as human beings. Sacred gifts to be cherished and appreciated with time. The "circle of love" Rumi alludes to is just of this sort. However, "time" is relative to ones own life experience. Everything is always in divine harmony; each atom is dancing in its natural way.
Again, this relationship I've been seeking is not in another. As Rilke answers in his "Letters to a young poet":
Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
And that is the magic that is life. This woman from Georgia made me remember that "I seek, therefore I am." It is in the seeking that I am finding myself more and more.
It's interesting, because I am leading myself more into my own confidence with who I am and what I am here to do. This is what sparks me: connecting deeply with my own heart and mind, sharing it with others, and hearing the sparks and yearnings--the deep burning questions of all of those I connect with, in this form or any other.
I am never alone. But a month ago I felt I was going crazy without a lover-- someone to come home to at night and be physically, emotionally, and mentally intimate with. Now I realize that there will never be any one person that I will connect that deeply with--on all levels. I had the expectation that this one person would fulfill all of my needs for intimacy. But I now realize that this is why I am a human--a social creature intrigued and turned on by connecting intimately with many people within the course of a day. Even if I spend the day alone, I find that I turn on the computer and desire to connect with others via cyberspace or phone. And sometimes that is enough.
When I lived in New Mexico at Lama Foundation, the spiritual community founded by Ram Dass and others in the late 60s, we all had 10 days of hermitage time, where you were supposed to spend 10 days in solitude. Alone. With only yourself. I chose to do a Vipassana during this solitude time. And, while I spent the 10 days in silent meditation with a group of 50 or so others, I was very much alone. We were not aloud to make eye contact and could only talk to the teachers about meditation questions, or to the female manager about any urgent matters or health issues. It was a very difficult experience. It was my first time away from my ex, with whom I was living, working and playing with constantly. It made me realize how little time I'd taken for myself in the few months I'd been with him at Lama. It made me aware of ways I was not giving myself space to explore other intimate connections with family and friends in my life.
I tend to dive deeply into things--immersing myself in all the wonders of whatever I'm doing. My life at Lama, however, which was physically very grueling, living on the mountain, trekking through 3 to 4 feet of snow uphill to get a meal and shower in the winter and working almost 7 days of week during the summer retreat season--reminded me how important it is to listen to my needs and take time for myself.
And my traveling nature, which is one layer of my heart I am coming to fully embrace, has also kept me on the fritz with any long-term committed relationship. Though, I'm realizing that as I come to accept who I am fully--as a traveler, a writer, a yogini and a passionate sojourner of the heart--that the more I embrace this, the more easily all I want will come to fruition.
Another Rilke quote that spoke deeply to me, posted at the bottom of a girlfriend's email was:
"Our deepest fears are like dragons guarding our deepest treasure."
And so I've discovered that those people that I've wanted to run away from have helped me the most.
So... this weeks question is:
WHO are you most afraid of, and what makes you want to run from them? (It could be an aspect of yourself).
May you continue to peel and savor the taste of each layer of your own self.
Namaste,
sarah <3
Love is not a scary thing. It is a sacred thing.
It is easy to say "I Love You" to family, to those that we connect with on an emotional level: friends and lovers that we are intimate with.
In my life, it has been easy to be In Love with people that are comfortable with love. But what of those that are scared of it? What of those that the words "I love you" have rarely been heard in their lives?
I spent my 1st 21 years being scared of "love". When someone I just met said: "I love you", it scared me. It sent me rolling into a spiral of dissolution. This is because I was uncomfortable with my own heart--with the yearnings, the burnings, the passions, the fires that triggered me deeper into an intimate union with who I really am.
We are a puzzle to our own selves. Rumi, one of my favorite Sufi poets has a poem:
Come out of the circle of time
and into the circle of love.
Upon my 1st read at this zen koan of a poem, my heart understood, though my mind was fearful to explore the depths of this brief whirlwind of a statement.
Life itself is a koan: a puzzle that is not meant to be analyzed, but felt and lived...and understood in that process.
What is it about intimacy that scares me? I have been in relationships where I've only been comfortable sharing parts of true self, because I fear really expressing who I am: a woman in love with all of life. All people intrigue me. It is perhaps the most complicated and crazy that move me most. Those that I meet and want to run away from have opened my heart the most and continue to do so.
I have been meeting people in my sojourn in Korea that have triggered this look deeper into my own heart--people that I instantly feel a love and a fear for at the same time. People that trigger me to look deeper at my own binds and restrictions--and spiral deeper into intimate union with my real self.
I have a friend here who is so open and giving with herself, and yet battles with depression. With her I have only felt love, but in her, I sense a deep yearning to be free of her own limits and restrictions-- to truly let loose and be completely in love with the goddess that she is.
I have a male friend with whom I instantly fell in love with because of his open heart and child-like nature. Through my friendship with him, I have grown more comfortable with my own innocence--embracing the feeling of being re-born each day to the newness of all that is life.
Another beautiful woman recently joined our team of teachers. She is an African American woman from Georgia--the only black woman in our all white group of foreign teachers. She is passionate and comes from a Christian Gospel background. After only our second heart to heart talk, she told me she loved me. These are words I have not been able to mumble to friends with ease right off the bat. But she admitted to me that these words come out of her when she genuinely feels an open-hearted compassion from another human being. And isn't that all intimacy really is: just being completely in love with each moment--each animal, flower, human, meal, or even the thoughts and dreams we have?
As humans, we all tend to have fears or restrictions of some sort of another. And if those restrictions aren't predominant in our lives now, then they were at some point. We have all gone through trauma of some sort or another--and no ones trauma can be measured against anothers. It is all real. It is all hurtful. And all of it has made--or is in the process of making-- our hearts grow bigger.
I love hearing peoples stories, because they are all as different and unique as our own souls. We are all made up of the same atoms, yet they form a different sort of flower in each of us. Some may appear beautiful at first sight, while some have to grow on you, like the taste of a fine wine. It takes time to acquire a taste for love in all its forms and manifestations. Everyone in my life was put there to learn something from--including...most of all...my"self".
I know it may sound narcissistic to some to say "to love your own self is to know the greatest love of all"--but this is the truth. On my journey to understanding and growing in relationship with romantic love, I have found that the greatest romance is the dance between you and your own heart and mind. They are tremendous gifts we are given as human beings. Sacred gifts to be cherished and appreciated with time. The "circle of love" Rumi alludes to is just of this sort. However, "time" is relative to ones own life experience. Everything is always in divine harmony; each atom is dancing in its natural way.
Again, this relationship I've been seeking is not in another. As Rilke answers in his "Letters to a young poet":
Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
And that is the magic that is life. This woman from Georgia made me remember that "I seek, therefore I am." It is in the seeking that I am finding myself more and more.
It's interesting, because I am leading myself more into my own confidence with who I am and what I am here to do. This is what sparks me: connecting deeply with my own heart and mind, sharing it with others, and hearing the sparks and yearnings--the deep burning questions of all of those I connect with, in this form or any other.
I am never alone. But a month ago I felt I was going crazy without a lover-- someone to come home to at night and be physically, emotionally, and mentally intimate with. Now I realize that there will never be any one person that I will connect that deeply with--on all levels. I had the expectation that this one person would fulfill all of my needs for intimacy. But I now realize that this is why I am a human--a social creature intrigued and turned on by connecting intimately with many people within the course of a day. Even if I spend the day alone, I find that I turn on the computer and desire to connect with others via cyberspace or phone. And sometimes that is enough.
When I lived in New Mexico at Lama Foundation, the spiritual community founded by Ram Dass and others in the late 60s, we all had 10 days of hermitage time, where you were supposed to spend 10 days in solitude. Alone. With only yourself. I chose to do a Vipassana during this solitude time. And, while I spent the 10 days in silent meditation with a group of 50 or so others, I was very much alone. We were not aloud to make eye contact and could only talk to the teachers about meditation questions, or to the female manager about any urgent matters or health issues. It was a very difficult experience. It was my first time away from my ex, with whom I was living, working and playing with constantly. It made me realize how little time I'd taken for myself in the few months I'd been with him at Lama. It made me aware of ways I was not giving myself space to explore other intimate connections with family and friends in my life.
I tend to dive deeply into things--immersing myself in all the wonders of whatever I'm doing. My life at Lama, however, which was physically very grueling, living on the mountain, trekking through 3 to 4 feet of snow uphill to get a meal and shower in the winter and working almost 7 days of week during the summer retreat season--reminded me how important it is to listen to my needs and take time for myself.
And my traveling nature, which is one layer of my heart I am coming to fully embrace, has also kept me on the fritz with any long-term committed relationship. Though, I'm realizing that as I come to accept who I am fully--as a traveler, a writer, a yogini and a passionate sojourner of the heart--that the more I embrace this, the more easily all I want will come to fruition.
Another Rilke quote that spoke deeply to me, posted at the bottom of a girlfriend's email was:
"Our deepest fears are like dragons guarding our deepest treasure."
And so I've discovered that those people that I've wanted to run away from have helped me the most.
So... this weeks question is:
WHO are you most afraid of, and what makes you want to run from them? (It could be an aspect of yourself).
May you continue to peel and savor the taste of each layer of your own self.
Namaste,
sarah <3
Friday, September 26, 2008
On Loneliness...
*gulp*...
Loneliness...
is not my favorite word. In fact, it's a word that I've found intimidating, diminishing and shameful for most of my life. No one wants to admit to feeling it. Inner loneliness...feels like being alone in the Sahara, without food or water, when in reality, you're on a crowded subway surrounded by other human beings, with a full Nalgene and bag of trail mix in your backpack. The Beatles song "All the lonely people" alludes to this phenomenon of the heart. We can all admit to experiencing it. But do we allow ourselves to really feel it?
This is, in a sense, why I've sought out relationships--both casual social, and intimate: for those other hearts and souls that you can connect with on many levels. That, after all, is one reason why we are here on this planet as a human race: to connect with each other. That union of partners is one of life's greatest gifts (and challenges). In yoga, they say that marriage and family are the highest forms of yoga (or union) a human can partake in.
In this time of singledom, being a stranger in a strange land, I've been seeing clearly my own desire to connect with others. I have always been a woman who appreciates her alone time, but after my 1st long-term relationship, I began to develop a tremendous fondness for sharing time connecting intimately with one other. I love social events and group sharing, but my heart truly yearns for a lover, and partner to share time with--outside of my solo time. It's all a fine and delicate balance: sharing your life with friends, your lover, and yourself as a solo entity.
I am still a bit shy about exploring this feeling of loneliness so publicly, but I feel it's time. My exploration of this sense of loneliness started this past year when I was ill with a bad stomach bug and my then partner decided to leave me for 3 days to fend for myself in a cold, snowy mountain cabin--without any firewood readily available to keep the place warm. It was one of those worst case scenarios that I lived through! And the person that was my best friend, my lover, and my partner in every way in that small mountain community, was gone. I felt a loneliness that I've never allowed myself to feel fully. But I was not truly alone. I was grateful for the company of our cat during that time, as well as the bluebird that kept hovering in front of the window like a messenger telling me it was time to go. This was a strange occurrence, because it would look straight at me--but birds can only see from the side. This bird came around our house--coincidentally named, The Bluebird--for a few weeks prior to this event. My partner and I tried to give him birdseed, which he wouldn't eat. We checked for a hidden nest, of which there was none. And finally, we gave up. However, the day I got my plane ticket out of that place the bird left. It vanished without a trace. This story could go into the sacredness of the earth that I was reminded of on that mountain. A Native American church ceremony a month before this event also reminded me that we are but a small part in this thing called life. Every animal, including us human animals, plays but a small, yet important role on this planet. And during the time where that loneliness was triggered, I empathized with our cat, Winnie, who was often left alone most of the day to entertain herself. She was a cat who loved affection and lots of attention. I then knew how she felt when we left her all alone. And I felt so awful leaving her for good when I moved out a few days later.
For 6 months, I have been sitting with that loneliness and the aftereffects of that abandonment. And, just like my dear sister Rebecca's death from this world--one of the most painful events has been one of my greatest gifts. I feel more solid and centered in myself than ever, and I am living out my heart's deepest dreams (of which my former partner was not a supporter of--as travel was not his passion)--living in another country, writing, traveling and enjoying all the blessings of life!
And, a very shaky decision--to uproot myself and come to Korea to live and teach for at least a year--has proved to blossom into a lotus of infinite possibility!
Often in life, things don't work out exactly as we plan them to. Our heart's have desires, which become manifest, in a very perfect way--but the result isn't always the way we imagine it to be. Many New Age lingo talks of asking for the "highest possible outcome"--or "what's best for everyone". Ultimately, if the heart is the decision maker, this happens automatically. No need for fancy lingo, just a simple, heart-based desire.
And so, the question of the week is:
What are you most fearful of?
& What does your heart have to say on this matter?...
Enjoy the Beauty and Bliss that is everywhere!
Love,
sarah <3>
Loneliness...
is not my favorite word. In fact, it's a word that I've found intimidating, diminishing and shameful for most of my life. No one wants to admit to feeling it. Inner loneliness...feels like being alone in the Sahara, without food or water, when in reality, you're on a crowded subway surrounded by other human beings, with a full Nalgene and bag of trail mix in your backpack. The Beatles song "All the lonely people" alludes to this phenomenon of the heart. We can all admit to experiencing it. But do we allow ourselves to really feel it?
This is, in a sense, why I've sought out relationships--both casual social, and intimate: for those other hearts and souls that you can connect with on many levels. That, after all, is one reason why we are here on this planet as a human race: to connect with each other. That union of partners is one of life's greatest gifts (and challenges). In yoga, they say that marriage and family are the highest forms of yoga (or union) a human can partake in.
In this time of singledom, being a stranger in a strange land, I've been seeing clearly my own desire to connect with others. I have always been a woman who appreciates her alone time, but after my 1st long-term relationship, I began to develop a tremendous fondness for sharing time connecting intimately with one other. I love social events and group sharing, but my heart truly yearns for a lover, and partner to share time with--outside of my solo time. It's all a fine and delicate balance: sharing your life with friends, your lover, and yourself as a solo entity.
I am still a bit shy about exploring this feeling of loneliness so publicly, but I feel it's time. My exploration of this sense of loneliness started this past year when I was ill with a bad stomach bug and my then partner decided to leave me for 3 days to fend for myself in a cold, snowy mountain cabin--without any firewood readily available to keep the place warm. It was one of those worst case scenarios that I lived through! And the person that was my best friend, my lover, and my partner in every way in that small mountain community, was gone. I felt a loneliness that I've never allowed myself to feel fully. But I was not truly alone. I was grateful for the company of our cat during that time, as well as the bluebird that kept hovering in front of the window like a messenger telling me it was time to go. This was a strange occurrence, because it would look straight at me--but birds can only see from the side. This bird came around our house--coincidentally named, The Bluebird--for a few weeks prior to this event. My partner and I tried to give him birdseed, which he wouldn't eat. We checked for a hidden nest, of which there was none. And finally, we gave up. However, the day I got my plane ticket out of that place the bird left. It vanished without a trace. This story could go into the sacredness of the earth that I was reminded of on that mountain. A Native American church ceremony a month before this event also reminded me that we are but a small part in this thing called life. Every animal, including us human animals, plays but a small, yet important role on this planet. And during the time where that loneliness was triggered, I empathized with our cat, Winnie, who was often left alone most of the day to entertain herself. She was a cat who loved affection and lots of attention. I then knew how she felt when we left her all alone. And I felt so awful leaving her for good when I moved out a few days later.
For 6 months, I have been sitting with that loneliness and the aftereffects of that abandonment. And, just like my dear sister Rebecca's death from this world--one of the most painful events has been one of my greatest gifts. I feel more solid and centered in myself than ever, and I am living out my heart's deepest dreams (of which my former partner was not a supporter of--as travel was not his passion)--living in another country, writing, traveling and enjoying all the blessings of life!
And, a very shaky decision--to uproot myself and come to Korea to live and teach for at least a year--has proved to blossom into a lotus of infinite possibility!
Often in life, things don't work out exactly as we plan them to. Our heart's have desires, which become manifest, in a very perfect way--but the result isn't always the way we imagine it to be. Many New Age lingo talks of asking for the "highest possible outcome"--or "what's best for everyone". Ultimately, if the heart is the decision maker, this happens automatically. No need for fancy lingo, just a simple, heart-based desire.
And so, the question of the week is:
What are you most fearful of?
& What does your heart have to say on this matter?...
Enjoy the Beauty and Bliss that is everywhere!
Love,
sarah <3>
The Responses!
I was SO thrilled to receive such amazing responses to the 1st question. Here they are!
From now on, please "reply to post" with your response. You may also send me an email response if you don't want it published on the blog!
Next question and post to come SOON!
In Love,
sarah =)
The Responses:
OH my gosh. Have you read The Zahir by Paulo Coehlo??
:-)
From now on, please "reply to post" with your response. You may also send me an email response if you don't want it published on the blog!
Next question and post to come SOON!
In Love,
sarah =)
The Responses:
OH my gosh. Have you read The Zahir by Paulo Coehlo??
:-)
I just listened to it on audio book (slightly abridged) yesterday and I highly recommend it. It is about opening the dialogue about love on all levels--the good the bad the ugly to deconstruct our personal histories of love to come into a new, free meaning of love. So we can embody love in ourselves. Your story just reminded me of it....really timely e-mail!
It's kind of about a witchy woman--but one who goes off in search of her own meaning of love and leaves a husband behind wondering.
I am going to join this convo. I am SO excited about it!
-Marla
Hey Sarah,
It's kind of about a witchy woman--but one who goes off in search of her own meaning of love and leaves a husband behind wondering.
I am going to join this convo. I am SO excited about it!
-Marla
Hey Sarah,
Firstly, your letters are so kick-ass. I cannot tell you how amazed I am by our synchronicity (sp?). I have already passed your email on to a gaggle of girlfriends who are currently reading it and getting all sorts of inspired. I understand where you're coming from - about the impulse to have romantic love fill all the kinds of love we reach for at times. I've often commented to friends (and really anyone who'll listen) that in our culture (american? western? contemporary?) We are really only socially endorsed to express intimacy with family and lovers - it makes it harder for single folks, or even partnered/familied people to be able to make that deeper connection with others in their lives - friends, coworkers, gurus whatev. And of course, every connection to loving another person is really a connection to loving ourselves and the all of everything.
I think that's one of the things I love about travel so much - by shifting my environs, comfort circle, resources and it all I have to shift my perspective, too. that kind of jostling opens my eyes up the the ever-present wonders of people and place that I lose sight of w/my daily blinders on. It makes me more receptive to the many opportunities for gratitude and bliss - and it reconnects me to the larger, global community.
I think that's one of the things I love about travel so much - by shifting my environs, comfort circle, resources and it all I have to shift my perspective, too. that kind of jostling opens my eyes up the the ever-present wonders of people and place that I lose sight of w/my daily blinders on. It makes me more receptive to the many opportunities for gratitude and bliss - and it reconnects me to the larger, global community.
Funny enough, I was talking to someone yesterday about love/vulnerability/risks etc. Characters from my past have been reemerging in my new transition time. They are lovely, unsettling, inviting, scary and all that to-do. The women I was speaking to pointed out a resistance I have to being vulnerable in relationships - that there are risks there that I am not willing to take yet. but I'm more than happy to be fully vulnerable in front of hundreds of people on stage and I'm just as content to hop a plane to a foreign country on my own and figure it out as a I go. But love....well, let's not get too crazy... ;)
Lastly, to respond to your question, "What makes your heart wander?" My current answer (which may change the next time I'm asked) is this, "I think my heart wanders when it forgets that it is always connected to Love. That Love is ever present, ever flowing, ever knocking down my door and holding my hand from every corner of the everywheres. But when I stop listening to that truth, and start listening to my own ego and it's nattering, then I forget the abundance that surrounds me and i begin to think that I must pursue love - that I am in want, in lacking - and so the foolishness begins. At the end of the day though, those "foolish" pursuits or adventures that lead me to "find" love - in relationships, travels, myself, the world, what-have-you, are just new lessons on how to reconnect with what was always there."
Thank you so much for your email, Sarah, you may use all of this letter or just the Q & A at the end, whatever you like. Have a great time in S. Korea!
Love,
Sara
Hello Sarah,
Sara Mayer sent this email to some of us this morning and I wanted to reply to you and say two things:
First of all, what a beautiful letter you wrote. Thank you for putting those words down and for inviting your friends to share them. What you said resonated very deeply with me - I too have been a wanderer in and out of love and places for many years, as I feel so many women/people of our generation have been or have felt like being. There is something, I feel, that has made our generation one of searchers, which is not just a product of our individual stories, but the story of who we are as a people and where the world is at this moment. Maybe that sounds obtuse, or super new-agey, but I have felt that for a long time and see it ring true with more people our age than I can number.
You voiced your experience beautifully, and I'm grateful for having heard it.
Second, I wanted to humbly suggest a venue for your idea of a women's forum. What if you started a blog with these ideas and questions that you want to pose? You could send a notice out with each blog post to link people to the site...the people on your list would forward the link on, and anyone who cared to respond could post their answers, feelings, responses, as comments to your post. Everyone in the chain of your initial email would get to see the responses of everyone else...possibly dozens, or a hundred women they've never met, but surely have common experiences with.
I'm not sure if you had such a wide or public vision for your project; but your idea truly inspired me, and I do believe that I am not the only woman who would tune in monthly or weekly to read such a journal. I have been thinking about starting my own blog recently, and have a lot of ideas for it; so forgive me if I'm passing on my own dream to you. I just felt compelled to put it out there: do with it what you feel right. The fact is, there are people out there making their living off of blogs - a large enough readership attracts advertisers - and this is certainly an idea beautiful enough to deserve supporting you financially.
In any case, I wish you the best on your journey and hope to hear more from you soon.
Sincerely,
Heather
here 's my thought:
Hello Sarah,
Sara Mayer sent this email to some of us this morning and I wanted to reply to you and say two things:
First of all, what a beautiful letter you wrote. Thank you for putting those words down and for inviting your friends to share them. What you said resonated very deeply with me - I too have been a wanderer in and out of love and places for many years, as I feel so many women/people of our generation have been or have felt like being. There is something, I feel, that has made our generation one of searchers, which is not just a product of our individual stories, but the story of who we are as a people and where the world is at this moment. Maybe that sounds obtuse, or super new-agey, but I have felt that for a long time and see it ring true with more people our age than I can number.
You voiced your experience beautifully, and I'm grateful for having heard it.
Second, I wanted to humbly suggest a venue for your idea of a women's forum. What if you started a blog with these ideas and questions that you want to pose? You could send a notice out with each blog post to link people to the site...the people on your list would forward the link on, and anyone who cared to respond could post their answers, feelings, responses, as comments to your post. Everyone in the chain of your initial email would get to see the responses of everyone else...possibly dozens, or a hundred women they've never met, but surely have common experiences with.
I'm not sure if you had such a wide or public vision for your project; but your idea truly inspired me, and I do believe that I am not the only woman who would tune in monthly or weekly to read such a journal. I have been thinking about starting my own blog recently, and have a lot of ideas for it; so forgive me if I'm passing on my own dream to you. I just felt compelled to put it out there: do with it what you feel right. The fact is, there are people out there making their living off of blogs - a large enough readership attracts advertisers - and this is certainly an idea beautiful enough to deserve supporting you financially.
In any case, I wish you the best on your journey and hope to hear more from you soon.
Sincerely,
Heather
here 's my thought:
Not being in love makes my heart wander. I've never been in love, but I thought I was in love with my ex boyfriends. I used to have night mares that I cheated on them with other, more attractive men. They were bad dreams because I felt so guilty for breaking the commitment I'd made to myself and to these men.
I realize now that my heart was trying to wander. It wasn't that I was just experiencing lust. IT was trying to reveal the truth that I had been covering up; that these men were not "the one" even though I wanted them to be my one so desperately.
I was boy crazy ever since I came out of the womb. But I always wanted "the one", my soul mate, even as a child. That desperation for finding true love has manifested into the tendency to force a square peg into a circle whole (is that the correct way to use that saying?).
When I do meet my life partner, I expect that my HEAD may wander from time to time, as the ego leads to lust and tricks our minds into thinking that there is something better around the corner, but the heart is always truthful.
-Sarah Itkin
Hi Sarah,
I have kept this email in my inbox until I decided it was the right time to pull it out and truly feel the message. Hope it is not too late to respond. Hope the reply finds you smiling and embracing the boundless journey of your heart. Looking forward to speaking with you again.
Much love & respect,
Rachael
What makes my heart wander....
That of something sweet. Not so much the physical act, but more of an ethereal sense that something wonderful is on the horizon. I guess this could be called the dawning of my heart's desire. The new look of what has already been and what will be. The sweet surprise of the glory and amazement that life unfolds at the divine moment of insight and awareness. I love the pleasure of seeing what has always been my desire pop-up to the surface with an element of shock or excitement like I have never known it before. This part of the journey keeps me searching for more. Always asking, allowing and blessing. The newness of life, creation and the bliss of all that is comes alive and I wander in search for the eternal manifestation, the great infinite abode.
Thanks for asking. I am truly greatful for the posing of this question. May you know how much it means. Thank you. I love you. Amen.
-Racheal Ranalletta
The Beginning...
As of late, besides delving deep into Korean soil, I've been delving even deeper into the roots of my own heart and soul, exploring what makes me tick...inside and out. At the core of this exploration is LOVE... the mushy gushy aspects of it, as well and the down and dirty, nitty gritty, painful, ugly, despicable.
As you know, I thought I met my life partner this past year. Me: a girl who fantasized about living the life of a Bohemian poetess rather than being someones bride, got engaged--fast! What started quickly, faded quickly. While I still do love him--and always will--I know in my heart that he is not the one I'm meant to roam this earth with. But in my heart, there's a longing. And after the tumultuous break-up, I realized that that longing has always been there--relationship or not. I think for a while, having a man filled that void within me...but after a certain period of time (maybe 6 mos. or so) that longing came back, stronger and fiercer than ever!
I've realized how much I've sought out romantic love to fill my deep soul's yearnings. And thus, upon the ending of my engagement to Bill and one of the most emotional painful and trying times of my life: being homeless, jobless and penniless and moving back in with my parents at the age of 29!-- I broke free of the self-imposed enslavement of a lifetime of the "wrong" beliefs about love.
My cousin just wrote me an email saying she liked my quote at the end of my messages:"What you need will be drawn to you. Just be patient. Love knows what it's doing." When I read this in a Barry Long meditation book , I cried, in a soul sense-- internally, in a swoon of knowing the truth of what it is to truly love. There was a quote from Pema Chodron, a famous Buddhist author, in one of her books that 's stuck with me too: "Nothing to hold onto is the key to happiness." And so it is. Love is without bounds or limits. It is without past or future.
But the human heart and mind NEVER forgets what is real, what is love. And the body never forgets the smell, the touch, the taste of a lover. There is cellular memory as well as the emotional and mental imprints our loves/love leaves upon us--forever.
I am going to admit to you all, if you haven't already guessed: I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm in Love with LOVE!
In this time without a partner (though I've "tried" to date --and for the 1st time in my life have had all failed attempts!)--I've been forced to go inward, and make the music my heart and soul has been longing for. And for me, that music has come through writing poems, stories and journaling about my heart's quest for love, in all its forms and manifestations. It has opened me to new music, and people and places I never would have imagined journeying in this lifetime. It has allowed me to accept each and every thought and feeling I have as real and valid, and to explore those that linger in me, with more depth and time, and solitude.
And one of this years' gifts has been enveloping the blessings of womanhood. While in New Mexico, I had my 1st experience with women's circles. At first I felt tremendous resistance to these all female gatherings, as a firm believer in equality and all things that are human, not gender biased. Although, a seed was planted in New Mexico that stuck with me as I ventured to Rochester, and stumbled upon women's circles again (or did they stumble upon me?).
And one of this years' gifts has been enveloping the blessings of womanhood. While in New Mexico, I had my 1st experience with women's circles. At first I felt tremendous resistance to these all female gatherings, as a firm believer in equality and all things that are human, not gender biased. Although, a seed was planted in New Mexico that stuck with me as I ventured to Rochester, and stumbled upon women's circles again (or did they stumble upon me?).
And along my journey, I have met SOOOOO many amazing, strong, aware women (ahem! you know who you are!)...
So...while in NYC, awaiting my visa to South Korea in a divinely timed manner, I had an epiphany: what of a woman's forum? What I envision is an inspirational way to communicate, woman to woman, heart to heart, soul to soul, in a myriad of ways. I ultimately saw a book coming out of this process. But right now, I am seeing cyberland as a great way to begin.
So, here's my proposal to you all (and your friends, relatives, etc.--please send this to any women who would totally gel with this forum)!
I propose a sharing of our stories, our woes, our fantasies. You can be married or single, lesbian, bisexual, heterosexual, asexual...
ALL women are welcome. I will post a weekly question, and you can provide a response--to the group, to me, to your best friend, or just to yourself (I love sending emails to myself in this format. Try it--as a love letter from an admirer--it just might surprise you!--lol--no, seriously, though!)
So, are you ready? Here is the first question: (and if you don't like the question, maybe it will spawn something else in you. It's just a trigger for the heart/mind/soul)
What makes your heart wander?
May you all be blessed with a Love-filled week!
Namaste,
sarah ;-)--
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